Wednesday, December 28, 2005

A Special Treat For Y'all This Morning

Abby was standing on the floor beside my bed this morning, barking and whining at me, the one who has to work everyday in order to pay for her Kibbles 'n Bits. At 5:30. My alarm doesn't start its intrusive beeping until 6:30. Now, I'm not a mathmatician, but I think that's ONE HOUR of sleep from which I'm being deprived. I had to get up and let her out and was too angry to go back to sleep. Since I was already awake, I thought I'd start cleaning out my old e-mails and I came across my Favorite Joke of All Time. Yeah, you can thank Abby for waking me, otherwise you wouldn't get to read the following and laugh your head off today! Have a good day:

My Favorite Joke

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"May I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

Monday, December 26, 2005

Post Christmas Tidbits

1. Even my warmup pants are tight today.

2. Figure skating is a sport. I’ve been addicted to it, much like my brothers are to football, for several years and I’m having trouble with the new rules and judging system. They’re supposed to be more fair, and some of the new rules do make sense, but I’m not fond of change.

3. I also don’t like surprises. I’d rather know in advance so that I can start my worrying as soon as possible.

4. I fell asleep this afternoon while at the movies watching “Syriana.” I heard someone snoring and woke up and realized the noise was coming from me.

5. Christmas was really fun this year. Last night my family came to my house and we had a great time, especially watching Emily and Reece open their gifts. I never actually saw him do it, but Reece apparently counted the number of gifts he and his sister received. After they’d opened all their gifts, Reece said that Emily received more gifts than he did. He wasn’t being a bratty kid, just a competitive one. Of course, we adults denied it, but after we’d all finished opening gifts, we realized that there was one unopened gift buried under the pile of gift bags and wrapping paper. It was for Reece.

6. Tomorrow it’s back to work, but for the next two weeks I have four-day work weeks, so it won’t be so bad.

7. I hear a cupcake in the kitchen calling my name.

8. My family gave me an iPod Nano for Christmas. I tried to program it today but kept getting an error. Something about my computer not recognizing something, UB port something, blah blah blah. I know if I ever figure out how to program it, I’m going to love it. It’s quite cute. So is my family.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

A Reindeer Walks Into A Bar...

One evening, in a busy lounge in the Deep South, a reindeer walked in, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.

As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."

The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Good Letter

I found this on Library Lady's site and wanted to post it today. Regardless of one's faith, I think we can all find at least a couple of points in the letter that are relevant to our lives.


Letter From Christ


Dear Believers,

It has come to my attention that many of you are upset that folks are taking my name out of the season. Maybe you've forgotten that I wasn't actually born during this time of the year and that it was some of your predecessors who decided to celebrate my birthday on what was actually a time of pagan festival.

How I personally feel about this celebration can probably be most easily understood by those of you who have been blessed with children of your own. I don't care what you call the day. If you want to celebrate my birth just, GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER. Now that I have that off my chest let me go on:

If it bothers you that the town in which you live doesn't allow a scene depicting my birth, then just get rid of a couple of Santas and snowmen and put in a small Nativity on your own front lawn. If all my followers did that there wouldn't be any need for such a scene on the town square because there would be one every few feet all over town.

Stop worrying about the fact that people are calling the tree a "holiday tree" instead of a Christmas tree. That tree never actually symbolized me anyway. The tree was a part of an old pagan ritual people just started calling it by my name, then a few folks added an angel on top and a Nativity at the bottom to remind them of my birth.

If you want to give me a give me a present in remembrance of my birth here is my wish list-- just choose something from it.

1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to the way my birthday is being celebrated, write letters of love and hope to soldiers away from home. They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of year. I know, they tell me all the time.

2. Visit someone in a nursing home. You don't have to know them personally. They just need to know that someone cares about them.

3. Instead of writing George complaining about the wording on the cards his staff sent out this year, why don't you write and tell him that you'll be praying for him and his family this year. Then follow up, it will be nice hearing from you.

4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can't afford and they don't need, spend time with them. Tell them the story of my birth. Hold them in your arms and remind them that I love them.

5. Pick someone that's hurt you in the past and forgive him or her.

6. Did you know that someone in your town will attempt take his or her own life this season because they are feel so alone and hopeless? Since you don't know who that person is, try giving everyone you meet a warm smile. It could make the difference.

7. Instead of nit-picking about what the retailer in your town calls the holiday, be patient with the people who work there. Give them a warm smile and a kind word.

8.If you want to make a statement about your belief in and loyalty to me, then behave like a Christian. Don't do things in secret that you wouldn't do in my presence. Let people know by your actions that you are one of mine.

Finally don't ever forget that I'm God. I can take care of myself. All you need to do is obey my commandments and let me take care of the rest.


Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and thanks for reading. I have enjoyed this blogging experience so very much this year and I hope to be around to write for a long, long time!

Love,
Vanessa

Friday, December 23, 2005

Warning: The Following Is SO NOT PC, Even The Most Callous Will Be Offended

Just in case you were harboring any illusions that my family uses its modicum of intelligence for stimulating conversation, I will now shatter that belief.

I was in the car with my brother, David, and Reece and Emily, last night. David was driving me home after we’d been to dinner and had done a little shopping. Either Reece or Emily called the other one a “retard” and David said, “Oh, no, we no longer make ‘retard’ jokes. There will be no more talk of anyone needing to ride the short bus or having the i.q. of a marshmallow.” I felt a little impressed that my brother was becoming an enlightened individual, and I asked, “Why, Dave?” He responded, “Dawn and I don’t want our grandkids to be retards. Of course, we now have nothing to talk about.” “There’s always that other topic that’s a favorite with our family,” I said. Dave replied, “Toilet humor? Oh, yeah, that’s right. The family conversation has been saved.” We then rode to my house with looks of relief on all of our faces.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Honor Has To Be Earned

Today is the birthday of the most selfish, self-centered man on the planet. When he and my mother divorced, over twenty years ago, he divorced his three children as well. I can count the number of times I’ve seen him in the last twenty years on both hands and still have a few fingers left over.

When I was a youngster, I was involved in everything I was able to do, and was in recitals, twirling at ball games, etc. He came to maybe two of my recitals my entire young life. I do not recall one single night, not one, that he ever engaged me in conversation after dinner. Not one. Several years ago, after I separated from my ex-husband, my brother told him about my situation. Guess what he said? This is a good one. He said, “Well, Vanessa is hard to get along with.” (Of course my brother shouldn’t have told me he said that, but that’s really not the point.)

Oh, it gets even better. That last time I saw him was about three years ago. Up to that time, it had also been about that length of time since I’d seen him, and that was just because I ran into him at the grocery store. Anyway, the last time I saw him was when I approached the bleachers at one of Emily’s softball games and there he was, sitting with my sister-in-law. I walked up and said hi to him and sat down beside him. Just try to guess what he said. You’ll never guess. He asked, “Where did you park?” That’s right. After three years, that’s the best he had for me.

A couple of weeks after that incident, like a dumbass, I called him and asked him if he wanted to go get coffee with me sometime. He asked, “Why?” (I swear it!) I told him I just wanted to visit with him since I hadn’t seen him in a long time. He said he was going to the lake and would be out of town for a few days. I said okay, and asked that when he got back in town, to give me a call. My phone number was listed in the telephone book. I never heard from him again. Did I mention that we live in the same town and have never lived further than a few miles from each other?

I can forgive, I think, but I will never forget.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

This Is What You Get When I Wake Up At 5:30 am and Can't Go Back To Sleep

Like I didn't know this already:

You Belong in London

A little old fashioned, and a little modern.
A little traditional, and a little bit punk rock.
A unique woman like you needs a city that offers everything.
No wonder you and London will get along so well.

Monday, December 19, 2005

The Blogging Slacker (Me) Returns

Whenever I call anyone at my brother's house I usually end up talking to everyone who is home at the time. If my brother, David, answers, we chat about work and softball or volleyball or basketball, depending on the season. Then I talk to my sister-in-law, Dawn, about whatever is on sale at Target or what one of us is buying for whomever for Christmas. That sort of stuff. Then I ask to speak to the nearest child. If it's Emily, then she takes the phone and we talk about movies, or school, or my most recent blog, or her future husband. If she's playing on her computer, then she pretends to talk to me, all the while reading whatever website she's on and responds very little to me. I usually then tell her to give the phone to Reece. Reece always has something to say, for about a minute, then he's ready to give the phone to someone else. He's not a big talker on the phone, yet. He's only seven, so this is not surprising.

Last night I was talking to Emily on the phone, and she told me that Reece wanted to talk to me. I was so excited, since I knew he had something to say. He didn't. He just wanted to say hi. After a minute or so of my trying to extract any sort of information from him, he said, "Hey, Nessa, I need to go now. There's a peanut butter and jelly sandwich calling my name." I just love him to pieces.

Emily's had a rough couple of days. She lost someone dear to her and she's been grieving and trying to comprehend the whole thing. It was a tragic accident and Emily is very sad right now. Emily, hope you're doing better today! I love you to pieces, too, my precious niece!

I need to go now and work on a scrapbook I'm making for my grandmother, Bera. We celebrated her ninetieth birthday in September and I took a lot of pictures, with making a scrapbook the intention. I'm giving it to her for Christmas and I started working on it yesterday. Nothing like waiting until the last possible moment.

If you haven't read Momcat's post about bad Christmas gifts, go read it. I'm sure you'll be able to relate to it!

One more thing, YES, I'm putting off the scrapbooking as long as I can...you have to look at this site when you have time. It's so cool. And addictive.

Now leave me alone, already! I've got work to do!!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Watch Out, Santa!

Cranky's still camping out here, but I'm trying to rid him with drugs. In the meantime, check out Christmas In Arkansas.

Love to all,
V

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Guest Blogger Today

Hi. My name is Cranky McSnot, and I’m taking over Vanessa’s head for a few days. I started seeping into her sinus cavities a couple of days ago, and yesterday I decided it was a pretty nice place, so I unpacked my bags and decided to stay for a while! She’s making futile attempts to try to get me to leave, however, but I’m not going anywhere for a while. She keeps taking AllegraD, and this morning she took a Benadryl and slept all morning. I got kind of bored, so I started blowing up balloons in her nostrils. She had to breathe through her mouth. Boy, did that make her irritable! She’s not even eating, so I know I’m really getting under her skin. I guess I should go now and practice my boxing. She’s got this swollen uvula in the back of her throat that makes a terrific boxing bag!

Snots and kisses,
C. McS.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Burn, Baby, Burn

As long as I have this family I don’t even have to TRY to come up with something to post on my blog.

Remember Cousin Candee and Penis Boy? The one who likes to stack DVDs on his teeny weeny? Well, Candee has two other children in addition to that one. Her daughter, Halen, pulled a good one last night. Halen was in her room and for some reason her bedside lamp didn’t have the shade on it. She thought that was too bright, so she threw a t-shirt onto the bulb. Of course, it caught her t-shirt on fire! She’s nine, or ten?, can’t keep up with the ages, so she didn’t know what was going to happen. When she realized her shirt was on fire she was too stunned to scream, so she grabbed the burning t-shirt and took it into the living room and threw it at her mama, Candee. It landed on Candee’s foot and caught her sock on fire! Candee then jerked her foot up and the t-shirt, still on fire, went flying across the room and landed on a chair and caught it on fire. Are you believing this?? Halen is Auntie Linda’s granddaughter, and Auntie’s store burned last week. Is this branch of the family a little fire jinxed right now? I’d say yes.

Friday, December 09, 2005

And Yet Another Perspective

Of course, we could all use a laugh right now, right? Well, just because I'm a Southern gal doesn't mean I don't see the humor in making fun of my family!

"Look what Vanessa done went 'n did, Granny!" hollers Uncle Jed.

Granny hollers back, "why, Lord have mercy, reckon when she had time to film us? Were it last year?"

"I ain't got no idee, Granny," says Uncle Jed, "but she shore does catch all the glory of the season, don't she?"

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

A Different Perspective Than Yesterday's

If all I have to complain about is not being able to find a particular gift at Wal-Mart, then I should just shut up. What an ingrate I am. Every day I see people who are waiting for a kidney transplant so that they can live another year. I also see people who have recently had a transplant and are grateful for every single day they are alive. Others I see are ninety years old and have no family. They rely on government agencies to bring them to the doctor. They have no place to go for Christmas.

Today my Aunt Linda’s store burned. It’s a retail sporting goods-type store and it was packed to the brim for the Christmas season. Christmas sales are vital to her business and now her store is probably a total loss. Linda’s fine; the fire occurred early this morning, while she was at home, so no one was injured.

When tragedy strikes, it’s always bad, but for some reason it seems even worse when it happens in December. We are under the impression that we are supposed to be shielded from the bad during the Christmas season, so when something happens to us during this time we seem surprised and more deeply affected. Maybe we should all wake up. After all, the homeless and the hungry are not magically housed and fed in December just because we think everything is supposed to be perfect this time of year.

I love giving Christmas gifts to my loved ones. I enjoy wrapping them and anticipating how surprised they are going to be when they open their gifts. These are what make Christmas a happy time for me. The fact that I have to go shopping for these gifts is what I don’t enjoy, however, it’s all worth it when my dear family and friends are happy with their gifts. Just thought I’d clear up any misconceptions that I’m a Scrooge. I’m NOT!

So, how am I feeling right now? Hopeful for the patients I see every day at work. Very sad for my Auntie Linda. Grateful that she’s okay, though. Disappointed in myself for not doing more for the less fortunate. I think that’s something I’m going to have to work on.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Things That Are Pissing Me Off As I Try To Get In The Happy Christmas Mood

Last Thursday night was the night our department decided to host its Christmas party. It’s called a Work Party, which I think is an oxymoron. Since I don’t like morons, I chose to skip the party and have one of my own at Target. I just don’t understand the whole concept of the Work Party. It’s a bunch of people who are not friends, nor are they related. They are forced together for eight hours each day to do something they don’t particularly like, simply for a paycheck, and yet, in December they all decide that they are FRIENDS!! and need to buy a gift and have a party. Hey, bosses, why don’t you just give us the money you spend on these parties and we can buy gifts for people we actually care about, not some person about whom we know nothing other than what she eats for lunch.

Saturday morning I woke up early, with the aid of my alarm clock, and grabbed my shopping list and took off for Wal-Mart. I hate that place. Sadly, we have few choices in this town when it comes to shopping for everything you need in one place. I wanted to get to the store early to beat the crazy Christmas shoppers and buy a few gifts and some things for some baking I’m planning to do this month. I went to the electronics department in search of a particular gift that I knew Wal-Mart would have. I could not find the gift anywhere. I asked for help. I got these blank looks from the two pimples behind the counter. One of them slurred something about not knowing where they had moved the display and the other one concentrated on the boogers in his nose. Okay, I thought, I’ll just drive across town to Target where I know this gift is and I’ll never come back to Wal-Mart again as long as I live. (I say this to myself almost every time I go to Wal-Mart, not just at Christmastime, but come on! This is a very popular item. Wal-Mart-Ass should have it in December.) After I’d loaded my cart with everything else on my list, I went to the Customer Service department and asked them if they would locate this item for me. Twenty minutes later, and forty dollars of extra shopping later, I had said item in my angry little hand! From now on, because of COURSE I’m going back to Wal-Mart, I’m steering my shopping cart with the bum wheel straight to Customer Service and they are going to do my hunting for me. Until they catch on and ban me from the store.

Sunday afternoon I decorated my Christmas tree. It’s a new tree with the lights already strung on the tree, so I was really looking forward to NOT stringing lights this year. I got the tree put together and plugged in the lights and they were beautiful. The bottom third, anyway. The ones that WORK. The top third of the tree has no working lights. I decorated it anyway and it looks great in the daytime when it’s not plugged in. Screw it. I’m tired.

Friday, December 02, 2005

A Word From The Funny One In My Family

My Brother, David (Emily and Reece's Dad is what I call him) wrote a little ditty about last night's Christmas Parade. He made the mistake of sending it to me, Sister Who Deems Nothing Sacred Anymore, so I am posting it on this here blog! David, I love you and hope you continue to forget that I will tell anything you do that is funny.


Review of the Jonesboro Christmas Parade

The annual Christmas parade held in downtown Jonesboro was chocked full of floats and civic groups. But enough about that.

The highlight of the parade, at least for Reece and me, was waiting for someone to step in the pile of dog doo a Humane Society canine left behind on the street in front of us. We were enjoying the drama and anticipation as several members of the Sons of the American Revolution came tantalizingly close to the large steaming mound but somehow escaped danger by a fraction of an inch.

Next, the Jonesboro High School Marching Band was a sure bet to make everyone involved in the Poop Shoe Game a winner. Scores of people, young and old alike, knew that the odds were in our favor to have a freshly-shined black marching boot plunge into the unsightly pile sitting near the yellow stripe on Main Street. We might even be so fortunate as to witness the true "coupe de gras" of dookie incidents. I'm talking about the slip and fall of course. Well, the gods of the brass and wind sections were looking out for the pimply-faced teenagers this cold December night, as not a single member of this award winning marching band hit pay dirt. The crowd groaned with frustration as the sounds of Jingle Bells coming from the instruments faded north down the street. Clean boots were in abundance at the 57th annual Jaycees' Christmas Parade.

Our hopes and dreams were terminally squashed, literally, as the Mix 106 radio van made a right turn onto Main Street to join in this festive celebration of the most wonderful time of the year and converted the center of this night's attention into nothing more than a brown pancake. One could hear the sighs of disappointment from the bundled up gathering. Thanks a lot Trey S--- (owner of said radio station.)

All hope was now lost and I began to notice the numbness in my toes and face again. Reece immediately began to ask for cotton candy every 45 seconds. I realized at that moment that a single, disgusting, yet natural function from a mixed breed dog living in a shelter on the outskirts of town made me forget about my problems, if only for a little while. It even diverted a 7-year-old boy's attention away from a glorious mound of sticky, spun sugar for a few minutes. As we made our way to the car under a canopy of stars on this frigid evening, my son and I had a little extra spring in our step, knowing we are now officially in the Christmas spirit.

This was the best parade ever!

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

And Yet Another Use For It


Oh, boy, this is a good one.

This morning my cousin, Candee, called me to tell me something her three-year-old, Rike, did last night. She was sitting on the floor in her family room, folding laundry and watching TV. Rike walked in and said, “Mommy, I hold the movies.” Without looking at him she said, “That’s good, Sweetie.” Rike then said, much louder, “Mommy! I hold the movies!” Again, Candee said without looking at him, “Okay, Sweetheart, that’s great!” A third time, Rike says, only this time he screams, “Mooooomeeeeee!!!! I HOLD THE MOVIES!!!!!!!”

Candee finally looked at him, and he was holding four DVDs. What’s so great about this? Guess what part of his anatomy was holding them? Yup, he’d strung four DVDs onto his little weenie.

Boys.

Monday, November 28, 2005

A Joke Is The Only Way I Know To Make Monday Better!

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again."

"Well," the doctor replies, "go home tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

The husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables, and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

Sunday, November 27, 2005

I Wish I Could Freeze Time

Hope you all had a happy, healthy Thanksgiving. Mine was wonderful. I hosted the family, and we had lots of good food and lots of hugs and kisses. We are a mushy bunch. Even Reece, who’s not extremely affectionate, allows the aunts, grandmothers, great-grandmothers to hug and kiss him as much as they (we) want. He seems to know that it’s important to us. Don’t misunderstand, however. Reece always hugs and kisses me when I first see him, but then that’s enough. No more. Leave him alone to do his thing. However, when we’re gathered as a family he’s a little more tolerant with the smooching and that makes me love him even more. Emily, on the other hand, is the most affectionate child I’ve ever seen. She is almost twelve and still holds my hand in public. I’ve told her that whenever she feels she’s too old for the hand-holding we can stop, but so far she’s still allowing it.

I AM going somewhere with this topic:

I took Emily and Reece to see the new Harry Potter film on Friday. We are all Potter fans and I’ve recently started reading the series and just love it. Before the thirty-minute preview time, which was very frustrating for everyone in the theater, I looked at Reece and said, “hey, if you get scared during the movie, it’s okay if you want to hold my hand.” He cut his gorgeous brown eyes at me with this look that said, “Oh, please! You’re crazy if you think I’m going to do that!” I got a little tickled and chalked it up to Reece not being a little boy anymore. After the previews ended (did I mention how annoyingly long they were?) and the movie began, Reece got close to my ear and asked, “is it still alright if I hold your hand during the scary parts?” Aunt Vanessa melted a little and yes, he did hold my hand a couple times during the movie.

Emily, please stop. Growing up, that it.
Reece, you too. Stay seven forever, okay?

Friday, November 25, 2005


This is Auntie Linda's baby boy, Will, and his wife, Jamie. Auntie L just returned from visiting them at their home in Savannah, GA. We all miss them so much. Aren't they the cutest couple?? Posted by Picasa

Cousin Will and his Mama Posted by Picasa

Auntie Linda and Jamie Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, November 23, 2005


Happy Thanksgiving! Posted by Picasa

So, What's For Dinner?

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! I hope you enjoy yourselves with family and friends and get to eat a lot of wonderful food. I’m having the family here tomorrow night and here’s our menu (we potluck, so no one has to do it all!):

Mushroom bread appetizers
Turkey
Dressing
Something green, not sure what
Sweet potato casserole
Delicious Rolls, can’t remember the name
Pumpkin pie (baked by Reece!!)
Lucinda’s Hummingbird Cake
Chocolate chip dessert pizza

MMM MMM MMM!

I Miss This Guy

"I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work very well. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I went back to pondering my mortality." -Mitch Hedberg

Monday, November 21, 2005

Emily, Shopping, and Chocolate

Emily and I had a great time over the weekend. She spent the night with me Friday night and we watched two episodes of "What Not To Wear" which we both LOVE. We then attempted to watch the third "Harry Potter," but turned it off at 10:30 so that we could get some sleep, but ended up talking until after midnight. Emily loves to snuggle and talk late into the night and this is the ultimate bonding time for us. Ater very little sleep, we dragged ourselves out of bed at 6:30 Saturday morning to go garage sale shopping. This is a once- or twice-a-year event for us and we usually score pretty big in the book department. Emily is the best shopper I've ever seen. So, after the junking, and the pancake breakfast, and the mall, I was absolutely worn out and took my darling niece home around 3:30. Later that night I was talking to my brother, Emily's dad, and he jokingly asked me if I was tired. I told him, oh yeah, I was worn out. He laughed and said, "We do this everyday, Ness." Dave and Dawn, and all parents: my hat's off to you. I don't know how you do it everyday.

Speaking of food, well, I was thinking of it anyway, I am reprinting something I received from Arcamax today on chocolate. I was so relieved to read this:


Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Not The Mama

I feel the need to confess that I’m a terrible mother. Earlier this year, I acquired a second dog, a darling little Maltese named Roxy. Roxy looks like she could be Finn’s twin. I fell in love with her the moment I saw her. I’d been wanting a second dog for quite a few years, mostly as company for Abby, but also for me. Although I loved Roxy to pieces, Abby couldn’t stand her. I thought that Abby would eventually get used to her and start to think of her as a sister, but from the minute Roxy came home with me, she and Abby were adversaries. Their struggle for my undivided attention caused them both to poop and pee on the carpet daily. I simply could NOT take it any longer, so I decided to give Roxy to my Aunt Linda about a month ago. I’ve felt guilty about this and didn’t want to blog about it until now. Abby, however, has been the happiest eight-year-old puppy in the world! Roxy, too, is happy with Linda, and Linda is thrilled to be Roxy’s new mama. Roxy is spending the weekend with Abby and me and I am so glad to have her here. (Emily spent the night with all of us last night, which made it easier, since each dog had a "mama" of her own for the night.) Of course, Abby is about as thrilled as I am when I have to go to the dentist, but she tolerates her the best she can. What amazes me is how differently Abby behaves when there is another dog around. When it’s just Abby and me, she is a bouncy, playful puppy. As soon as another dog comes into the picture, however, she sulks and hangs her head and eats like she’s never going to get another morsel of Kibbles ‘n Chunks for the rest of her life. Oh, and just forget it if Roxy gets in my lap. Abby acts as if her life is over. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more jealous creature. So, that’s my confession. I’m not cut out to have two children. I mean dogs, yeah, that’s it, dogs.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

You Never Know When You're Going To Learn Something

Friday, Nov. 4, I went to see Elton John in concert. Yeah, I’ve mentioned that I was going but I haven’t reported on the concert until now. Elton John was amazing! He played for two and a half hours, nonstop, with two encores and even signed autographs for those lucky fans who were one the front row at the concert. He was dressed in the type of coat/jacket that only Elton could pull off successfully, and he looked adorable. I was amazed at his piano playing and how his band could play so cleanly for that long. You name it, they played it. Except for “Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road,” which is one of my favorites, but Elton can no longer hit the high notes, which is my guess as to why he didn’t play that song. The fact that his voice is a bit lower than when he was younger is the only thing I noticed that was different from the Elton John I’ve seen on TV for the last thirty years. He was still energetic and gracious and seemed to love every minute on stage. It was a great concert and a great night altogether.

Before the concert, Auntie Linda and I did a little Christmas shopping in Memphis and then met Marka and her new boyfriend at the Hard Rock CafĂ© on Beale Street, which is directly behind the concert hall. We met at five o’clock, which gave us three hours to eat and drink margaritas before the concert. Marka, as I have mentioned in a previous post, is my (and Auntie Linda’s) wonderful, smart-mouth-goddess hairdresser and friend. I’ve known her for ten years, and for the previous nine and a half, she’s said, “I am not the least bit interested in having a boyfriend. I don’t feel the need whatsoever to have to put up with a man and all of his crap.” (Roughly translated.) Oh, how things changed when she met Joe. She’s in love now and Auntie L and I got to meet him, the man who caused her to go back on her mantra and allow herself to be teased unmercifully by everyone she knows. Not only is he a kind, intelligent fellow, but he is absolutely nuts about her as well!

Joe is originally from Iowa, and now lives in Arkansas, but he brought his Midwestern good sense with him and I learned something observing his behavior Friday night. While we were at Hard Rock, we had the most obnoxious waiter I’ve ever encountered. He stood at our table and talked to us most of the night and whenever he would actually leave to get us (ME) another drink, one of us would comment on how he really needed more tables to wait, or anything to get out of our hair! After he served us our food, Joe was absolutely fed up with this, so he simply said to the waiter, “Man, I appreciate the fact that you are taking such good care of us, but we’d really like to eat and just visit with each other, if you don’t mind.” (Roughly translated, again.) The waiter said something about really liking his job, and Joe said something polite about how he was a very good waiter, but we’d like a little time alone, and the waiter got the message, and for the remainder of the night only appeared when we needed something. He was still very polite and we were able to enjoy our time together. What did I learn? That you can be direct, if pleasant, and get what you want and still be treated respectfully by a waiter! This type of direct approach is not the norm in the South. No, we tend to be two-faced and sweet to someone such as this waiter and then talk about him behind his back. OR, we are passive-aggressive, and ignore him and leave him a very small tip. These Southern approaches do not help anyone. It’s the Midwestern approach that was direct, yet polite, that taught the waiter something, hopefully, and me as well! Thank you Joe for teaching me a much appreciated lesson. Marka, you have a great boyfriend, you bitch.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

What I've Been Doing

Last weekend was THE perfect weekend. I completely took a break from all news. No TV, except for rented movies, no newspaper, and no internet. Friday night I watched a DVD, “Warm Springs,” which is the story of FDR’s struggle with polio and his decision to run for president. It’s a good movie, so try to see it. Saturday morning I had a 10:00 appointment to get my hair cut. I then stopped by the used bookstore that’s close to my house, and lucked out on four books, three of them hardbacks, all for twenty bucks! Afterwards, I went home, did some laundry while I cleaned house and listened to Elton John, singing at the top of my lungs, and finished that around 2:00. The weather was nice, so I sat outside and watched the squirrels run around my back yard for a while. I then read until about 7:00 and watched a movie I’d rented, “Hotel Rwanda,” which I highly recommend. Sunday I finished reading Susan Sontag’s In America. I talked to Emily on the phone, then prepared my ESL lessons for classes late in the afternoon. After my teaching, I cooked some stir-fry, ate, then wrapped Christmas gifts and read a couple of short stories and went to bed. I was the happiest hermit on the planet.

Friday, November 11, 2005

This Is Fun!!

Miss me? I have missed you, too! I'll post something this weekend. Until then, do this little quiz. It's fun and you'll be surprised at your score, probably. I was happy to get 17!


The average person only gets 7 correct.
This is based on U.S. info, so use all lobes of your brain. This can be
more difficult than it looks - it just shows how little most of us really
see!

There are 25 questions about things we see every day or have known about all our lives. How many can you get right? These little simple questions are harder than you think-- it just shows you how little we pay attention to the commonplace things of life.

Put your thinking caps on. No cheating! No looking around! No getting out of your chair! No using anything on or in your desk or computer!


Can you beat 20?? (The average is 7) Write down your answers as you go.

Check answers (on the bottom), AFTER completing all the questions.


REMEMBER - NO CHEATING!!! BE HONEST!!! That means no looking at your phone or anything on your desk...



LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU REALLY ARE.

1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?


2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't know)


3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?


4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?


5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?


6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?
(Don't you dare get up to see!)


7. How many matches are in a standard pack?


8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?


9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?


10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?


11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?


12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?


13 On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?


14. Which way do fans rotate?


15 How many sides does a stop sign have?


16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?


17 How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?


18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?


19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?


20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?


21 On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?


22 On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?


23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 sy mbols bear no digits?


24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?


25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?














ANSWERS
1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom? BOTTOM

2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't know) 50

3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch? RIGHT

4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label? BLUE, RED, WHITE, YELLOW, BLACK & GOLD

5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them? 1, 0

6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?
RIGHT

7. How many matches are in a standard pack? 20

8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white? RED

9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial? 88

10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
CLOCKWISE (NORTH OF THE EQUATOR)

11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
TOWARDS BOTTOM RIGHT

12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial? 12 (no #1)

13 On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons? LEFT

14. Which way do fans rotate? CLOCKWISE AS YOU LOOK AT IT

15 How many sides does a stop sign have? 8

16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side? LEFT

17 How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel? 5

18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil? 6

19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing? BASHFUL

20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package? 8

21 On which playing card is the card maker's trademark? ACE OF SPADES

22 On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats? LEFT

23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits? *, #

24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip? 3

25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise? COUNTER

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Taking An Unexpected Break

Hey, buddies. My internet is down at home and I haven't had time to even call the cable company, so I'm taking a break from posting, I guess until next week.

However, I'm so excited!! I'm attending the Elton John concert tomorrow night. I'm planning to sneak in my camera and not get caught.

So, have a good week, weekend, etc., and I'll be back next week!

Love,
Vanessa

Monday, October 31, 2005

Emily Post Would Be So Proud

Emily dressed as Marilyn Monroe for her Cotillion Halloween Party Saturday night. I went over and helped her with her makeup before the party. She really looked gorgeous and it was hard to believe she's four months shy of being twelve!

We were talking about the dance and I asked her if they served any food at the party (of course I asked that) and she said, rather glumly, "Nothing but hard cookies and punch."

My brother, Dave, also her father, chimed in, "for what we're paying for Cotillion, she should be served Filet Mignon."

I then asked, "is it really expensive?"

Dave replied, "heck yes, it is."

Exactly a half second later, Emily let a huge burp that rattled the windows and woke up the dog.

"And as you can see, we're really getting our money's worth," my brother said.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

I am a Little Scary

I've got a nice edge to me. I should use it more often.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Somebody 'splain how this works!

I just don't get this!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Stovetop


Stovetop
Originally uploaded by Aunt Vanessa.
Fire is the theme this week at Mama Says Om, so I wandered around the house looking for ideas and thought this would represent fire effectively. Something I've often wondered is what made that first Cave Woman decide to put her food over a fire and cook it before eating it?

Fire


Fire
Originally uploaded by Aunt Vanessa.
Fire is scented candles. Scented candles remind me of the holidays, particularly those days before Christmas when you are wrapping gifts and listening to Christmas music and enjoying the familiar scent of cinnamon that comes from your new Christmas candle.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

My One True Love

Work is getting better. It's still not fun, but I'm getting used to the hectic atmosphere and I'm really tapping into my multi-tasking ability in order to keep up with everything I need to do at once. There are about ten doctors in the area where I work, and not one (except the one I've known most of my life) has bothered to introduce him- or herself to me, nor even speak. That's typical, I guess, but I don't like being invisible. One of these days I'm going to show up in a neon-colored tube top and platinum blonde wig and see if any of them speak to me then! I will say one thing that makes the job great: there is candy everywhere.

In other aspects of my life, there's nothing much to tell today. I went Halloween candy shopping today and that was fun. I just hope I don't have any Trick-Or-Treaters, 'cause I want all the candy for myself.

I guess my life boils down to one thing: searching for candy. It could be that I was addicted to crack or heroine, so really it's not that bad. All that stuff I said in a previous post about always having candy for Emily and Reece at my house was a lie. Yes, it was. The candy is/was/always will be for me. I will, however, gladly share it with you if you ever come to visit me. Just call first so I can go to the store and buy more.

Monday, October 24, 2005

A Little Monday Fun

Your Daddy Is Mike Tyson

What You Call Him: Papi

Why You Love Him: He takes you to church

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Strange Dream

My mentor, who is a well-known, well-published, highly-respected Renaissance Professor (have no idea why she takes such an interest in me) has been pushing me to get a paper published. She’s heard me present the paper and thinks it’s pretty good. I have been thinking that I needed to add one more novel to the paper. The paper is about the characters of Beverly Lowry’s novels. My absolute favorite Lowry novel is Come Back, Lolly Ray! - you should read it, it’s wonderful. Since that novel, I’ve read all of Lowry’s other novels except Crossed Over, which I finished yesterday. It’s a nonfiction story about Karla Faye Tucker, the first female to be executed by Texas in over a hundred years. Yes, Idiot Boy was still governor of Texas at the time and did nothing to stop the execution, but let’s not get me started on my dislike for “W” and the Death Penalty. I have far more personal matters to discuss right now.

I seldom remember my dreams, however, I awoke this morning remembering last night’s dream with vivid detail. I was in a talent contest and the judges were Beverly Lowry, David Letterman, and some guy who was really hip-looking but I didn’t know him (in the dream). He was famous, but I didn’t know who he was. That part is still bugging me. Before the contest, I approached Lowry and told her about my paper. She liked what I was writing and agreed with my idea about her characters mostly possessing a common trait. (No need to go into all that right now.) Once the contest began, I realized that I was going to be singing an old Jefferson Airplane song, but I had to sing it in French! I also had to sing it while standing on this really rickety old twin bed that made me wobble when I stood on it. I couldn’t stand on the bed, so I sang the song while standing on the floor and lost a lot of points by doing so. I was sure I hadn’t won the contest because of that. I can’t sing, either, but in my dream it was all because of the bed that I lost the contest. That’s all I remember about the dream. Isn’t that strange?

I can understand Lowry being in the dream, but Letterman? I hardly ever watch his TV show. And why was the song in French? I spent three hours yesterday working on lessons for my class this afternoon, but my students are Columbians. They speak Spanish, not French. And Jefferson Starship? I haven’t listened to them in forever. And, finally, the standing on the bed? I just don’t understand any of this.

Anybody out there know how to interpret dreams?

Friday, October 21, 2005

Tag, You're It

My dear friend, Irene, tagged me to give her twenty. I know, I just gave thirteen yesterday, but hey, it's Friday and I have survived a hell of a week and I don't want to have to think again until tomorrow.

1. I, the one with the MA in English, am Comma Challenged when it comes to my own writing.
2. It’s F-O-R-T-Y, folks, not F-O-U-R-T-Y.
3. I remember visiting Santa when I was three and asking for a Baby First Step doll.
4. I really, really, really do not like pop-ins. Call me first. I mean it.
5. I would rather be home with my dog and a good book than almost anyplace in the world.
6. I drink soy milk.
7. I don’t do well with high-maintenance people.
8. I never learned to roller skate.
9. I have been on a diet for twenty-five years.
10. I am most miserable when I have to be around someone I don’t like.
11. I regret that I quit playing the piano.
12. The first thing I’d do if I won the lottery would be to hire a full-time housekeeper/cook.
13. I feel powerful when I’m able to repair something myself.
14. I never liked sports until my niece started playing softball.
15. I like to boss people around.
16. I don’t like to be bossed around.
17. Realistic art does not impress me. Picasso’s does.
18. I recognize passive-aggressive behavior when I see it.
19. I look sick in lavender.
20. My second toes are a lot longer than my first ones.

To my Blogging Buddies: play along, please! I love reading these types of lists and I think a lot of people do, too.

xoxo,
Vanessa

Thursday, October 20, 2005

It's Thursday Thirteen Again!



Thirteen Things about VANESSA


1. I talk to myself in a British accent.
2. I’m good at mimicking voices.
3. I can tell you anything about an “I Love Lucy” episode before I’ve watched the first one minute.
4. I was in a sorority for one year in college. I thought it was stupid.
5. I have never felt that I fit in completely in any environment.
6. I am ready to move away from the South.
7. If I could time travel, my first stop would be sixteenth-century England.
8. I’ve had four surgeries in my life.
9. When I was ten years old, our house was destroyed by a tornado. We were huddled in the bathroom, which was the only room that was intact after the storm.
10. I believe in God. (See #9)
11. The worst spanking I ever received was right after I decided to be Tarzan and swing from my mom’s bedroom curtains. I broke the curtains and my mom broke my hind end.
12. My grandmother Bera used to bake me a pumpkin pie every time I spent the night with her.
13. I’m writing a play based on my mom’s family.


Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here)



Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well. I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

The Woes Of Wednesday

I have survived a week at my new job. It’s hell sometimes; other times it’s not that bad. I will never like it, but it is a way to survive, so I’m going to make the best of the situation. That’s the mature thing to do, right? When I walked into work, last Wednesday, I was introduced to my new coworker, Mary. Picture Felicity Huffman. Yeah, she’s very pretty, and she has the best laugh I’ve ever heard. The first thing Mary said to me was, “I hate this job.” Well, she’s definitely my kind of girl: speaks her mind. We instantly hit it off and I have been learning a lot from her and look forward to working with her every day. She has a couple of kids and a husband and she’s normal. She’s quitting. Tomorrow is her last day. I’m still waiting for someone to throw me that bone.

In other aspects of my life, I made a quick trip to the grocery store after work. I only had to pick up a few things, so I went to the store nearest my house. I grabbed a shopping cart and started on my way and saw a mouse run across the aisle. There were at least fifty people in that store at that very moment and no one saw it except yours truly. After I finished shuddering, I got my few things, all of which were packaged items that a mouse could not get to, which is the only reason I didn’t run out of there without my groceries, and went home to begin my nice, quiet evening. As I was stocking my refrigerator with the twelve-pack of diet sodas, I noticed that there was an empty can in the box. It had a hole in the bottom of the can. I only got an eleven-pack. I guess that mouse likes Diet Rite, too. BONE, people.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005


Yeah, that's all I'm sayin' Posted by Picasa

I am SO phoning this in today.  Posted by Picasa

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Craighead Forest Lake


Emily and Reece at the lake
Originally uploaded by Aunt Vanessa.
I took this photo last weekend of Emily and Reece standing on the bank of the lake. Where they are standing used to be water, but the lake has been partially drained for the purpose of cleaning it and restocking it with fish. This lake holds many memories: Girl Scout retreats, learning to waterski, lazy afternoons with a fishing pole, countless picnics, and exploring the forest with my niece and nephew. My brother, Don, visits this lake almost every day to run. I love to drive out there ocasionally and take a book and lawn chair and stay for hours. I'm hoping that city officials will continue to improve it, as they are doing now, so that everyone can enjoy it for many years to come. I posted this in honor of mamasaysom.com's water theme for the week.

Friday, October 14, 2005

What's Going On With You Guys This Weekend?

Happy Friday! It's been a long week, and I am planning on doing very little this weekend. Emily and I are going to see her future husband's new movie sometime this weekend, and I'm teaching some English classes on Sunday to my Columbian students, but that's about it for me. I need to recuperate from this new, wonderful, job.

Here's a little fun for you, my friends:

My Blogging Type is Logical and Principled

You like to voice your well thought out opinions on your blog.
And if someone doesn't like what you write, you really don't care!
Serious and blunt, sometimes people take your blog the wrong way.
But you're a true and loyal friend to those who truly get you.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Thursday Thirteen on Thursday the Thirteenth



Thirteen Things about VANESSA


1…. I added two more books to my reading list: The Emperor of Ocean Park by Stephen L. Carter, and In America by Susan Sontag.

2. My new job wasn't quite as bad the second day as it was the first. Still not thrilled with it, but I'll survive.

3. Emily won her volleyball game tonight. She made some awesome serves!

4. I lost SIX pounds the first week of my mega diet.

5. I got fired last week and went off my diet.

6. I gained seven pounds last week.

7. I am back on the diet this week.

8. I think I am an emotional eater. (duh)

9. A friend sent me a new Ryan Adams/Norah Jones song today that's really good.

10. It took me three attempts to pass College Algebra.

11. I am left-handed.

12. I have no interest in ever attending a high school reunion. I skipped the last two.

13. My only real fear is driving on an icy road.



Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

The One In Which I Do A Massive Amount Of Complaining

I started a new job today. Another crappy, just-to-pay-the-bills job. The reason I started a new one of those is because I got fired from my old job last Wednesday. We’d been taken over by a new director and assistant director who know absolutely nothing about running a medical clinic and they got tired of me pointing that out to them. I never know when to keep my mouth shut, so out I went! Actually, it was a huge relief and I got this new job almost immediately, thanks to my former boss. It sucks, though. It’s extremely stressful, since the phone rings about a thousand times in a day, and I am lucky enough to get to answer all the calls! Can’t express how exciting it is to listen to old people complain about themselves. And the patients who come in are all fussy and complain about having to wait for two hours to see the doctor. I want to say, “Hey, I don’t care how long you have to wait, so shut up and sit down and stop bothering me!” I don’t say that, of course, I just look all apologetic and in my mind I’m saying, “Pretend to care pretend to care pretend to care.” This is working wonders on my patience level. My new coworkers, however, are all quite sweet and helpful and I enjoy them, so I can certainly handle the rest of the job because of them.

Next August I am leaving town and going elsewhere to obtain another master’s so that I can actually do something I will enjoy. I’ve scratched the PhD plan, since it’s almost impossible to find a tenure track position as an English professor anywhere in this country. So, I’m going to get an MLS degree, also known as Master of Library and Information Science degree and hopefully specialize in archives. There are actually jobs out there! (Why am I telling the internet? I don’t want everyone else jumping on this and competing with me for jobs!)

Anyway, this post has no humor, I’m sorry about that, but I’m not feeling very humorous right now. I’m just pooped out and sleepy and ready to veg for a while and read a book. After I read my favorite blogs, of course.

I promise to think of something funny or stupid to write about tomorrow, my friends!

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Pleather? I Think Not.

I am so glad this guy sold his pants. We should all be rewarded from time to time for our fashion mistakes.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Saturday At The Park


Hello, Sweeties!
Originally uploaded by Aunt Vanessa.
Saturday afternoon the family embarked on our third annual family picnic. We wait until summer is over and the weather is nice, then we load up our vehicles with tons of food and head to the lake for an afternoon of playing and eating. Don cooks the burgers and Dave tells jokes and Mom and Dawn laugh at him and I take photos of Emily and Reece. After eating, we play football, or sit and moan about how full we are. It's always a great time and we all look forward to it every year. Mom brought the best banana pudding I've ever eaten this year. E-mail me if you'd like the recipe!

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Ten Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee

1. YOU ANSWER THE DOOR BEFORE PEOPLE KNOCK.

2. JUAN VALDEZ NAMED HIS DONKEY AFTER YOU.

3. YOU SKI UPHILL.

4. THE ONLY TIME YOU'RE STANDING STILL IS DURING AN EARTHQUAKE

5. YOUR EYES STAY OPEN WHEN YOU SNEEZE.

6. YOUR T-SHIRT SAYS "DECAF IS THE DEVIL'S BLEND."

7. YOU DON'T SWEAT, YOU PERCOLATE.

8. INSTANT COFFEE TAKES TOO LONG.

9. YOU GO TO SLEEP JUST TO WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE.

10. CHARLES MANSON THINKS YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

My Reading List For The Time Being

I always have a stack of books on my nightstand. I would welcome any comments on the following, which are ones I’ll be reading in the next few months:

Crossed Over by Beverly Lowery (I’m writing a paper on Lowery and need to see if this book should be included in the paper, so I’m reading it now.)

The Awakening and Selected Short Stories by Kate Chopin (Read many times, but still think these are some of the best short stories ever written.)

Gothic Tales by Elizabeth Gaskell

The Stories of Elizabeth Spencer

The Sound and the Fury by Faulkner (Feel a little guilty that I haven’t taken the time to read this one yet.)

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini

Billy Ray’s Farm by Larry Brown (I love Larry Brown. LOVE him.)

The Signet Classic Book of Southern Short Stories

Madame Bovary by Flaubert

The English Patient by Michael Ondaatje (Seen the movie about forty times. Sexiest movie ever.)

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Oh, Happy Day

There are certain events that occur in your lifetime that are beyond comparison. Your first trip to Europe. Your wedding day. The birth of your baby. Your graduation day. The ultimate job promotion. Whatever. You hope, fantasize, and dream about the day while wavering between emotions of disbelief that it will actually occur and excitement about finally experiencing it.

Today is one of those days for my sister-in-law, Dawn, and I want to be the first person to say, "Yeah, Dawn! It's finally here!

Target opens today.

Reminder

Don't want you all to forget to click here to save the boobies.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Anticipation of Autumn

I sort of got all giddy when I read this. It made me excited about the upcoming holidays. Of course the best holiday is the one that lets you GET CANDY.

Now Elaine's post from today made me squeal a little.

Reece is doing much better today and gets to go back to school tomorrow.

Got my car back today. I had to fork over a ton 'o money for new brakes, and, although I don't mind it since I don't have a monthly car payment, it still irks me that I have to spend money on something that just gets me from point A to point B. I have no interest in cars whatsoever. They are an evil necessity as far as I'm concerned. I'm hoping one day to live in a city where I can take public transportation and not have to deal with an automobile. Of course, after about a week of buses or subways, I'm sure I'd begin to complain about them, too.

Got look at Elaine's darling and I'll be back tomorrow. "Nip/Tuck is beginning in an hour and I must do some chores first in order to earn my Hour Of Decadence!

Monday, October 03, 2005

Reece at The Nature Center


Reece at The Nature Center
Originally uploaded by Aunt Vanessa.
Update: my little darling nephew is home sick today with a strep infection and an ear infection. Bless his little heart! I wish I could be sick for him.

Reece, I love you and hope you get well very, very soon, Sweetie!

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Quality Time With Darlin' Nephew

Reece wore me out. We went on a quest for the perfect sneakers for Nephew Emelda on Friday night. The boy has more shoes than I do. After seventeen stops, and I now know that all grey sneakers are not the same, we found the shoes he was coveting. As he was lacing them, I said, "Well, if you get a pair, I get a pair." I thought he would start saying he was hungry or something, but NO, he asked me what size I wore and he took off searching for Auntie Nessie the perfect sneakers as well. He found a pair that were pink and grey and I loved them. They were cute and comfortable. I have struck gold with this boy.

Saturday, we went to the Nature Center (see my Flickr on the right) and went to look at puppies and lizards and tarantulas at Petco, went to a birthday party, and then I took him to my mom's. By the time I got home, around five o'clock, I could hardly make it up the back steps. Next thing I knew it was nine p.m. I had napped until dark and was really out of sorts. Great weekend with the nephew, though, and I would do it again anytime!

Friday, September 30, 2005

Baseball and Shopping

Emily is playing in a softball tournament this weekend in Hope, Arkansas. (Bill Clinton's hometown.) Good luck to you, Emily! While she is away this weekend, her little brother, Reece, is staying with me part of the time. I can't wait to get to spend some time with him. He wants to go to the mall and - get this - SHOP! He is a seven-year-old clothes fanatic. Of course, he also likes to go to the coffee shop and have a little coffee and look at magazines, and he loves going to Petco, so we are going to have a great time!

In honor of Emily playing ball this weekend, I thought a baseball joke would be good. Have a good weekend everyone!

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day.

Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol ... Sol ..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes, it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Wouldn't You Know

I started a mega-diet on Tuesday. Usually I begin diets on Monday, but I didn't have the proper tasteless, moistureless, calorie-less foods in my pantry, so I had to go to the grocery store Monday night and therefore I began said mega-diet on Tuesday. So, yesterday, day two of the mega-diet, as I was driving home after work, the Pizza Inn restaurant I pass on my route had a tent set up in its parking lot with a huge sign on the front that said: "FREE PIZZA" - I swear it. It was also there today.

I want to hurt them.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Well, Obviously...

Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him.

Q: Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
A: No phone numbers.

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Save The Boobies

Thought that title might get your attention. Now, read what my cousin sent me today:

Please tell ten friends to tell ten today! The Breast Cancer site is having trouble getting enough people to click on their site daily to meet their quota of donating at least one free mammogram a day to an underprivileged woman. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle).

This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammograms in exchange for advertising.

Here's the web site. Pass it along to people you know.

www.thebreastcancersite.com

AGAIN, PLEASE TELL 10 FRIENDS TO TELL 10 TODAY

Love ya, love ya!
Vanessa

Monday, September 26, 2005

Cha Chings and Ding-A-Lings

The weekend was about celebrating my Auntie Linda’s birthday, so we did. We had a little party in the VIP room of Resorts Casino in Tunica, Mississippi and watched the Arkansas/Alabama football game. Well, some of the Party Hags watched. I pretended to watch and be interested so that I could continue to eat cake. I would feign interest in just about anything for cake. I gave Auntie a flashing-lights tiara and matching plastic beads and she loved them. Best $1.99 I’ve every spent. Carol, one of Auntie’s Entourage, told me that she wore the tiara until she went to bed on Sunday morning at 8:00. I personally think she actually slept in it, because I never saw her without it. She is such a diva.

Every time my mom got up from the group, whether we were lounging or eating, she would say, “Watch my purse, I’ll be right back.” This tickled us, being the mature women we are, and we began hiding her purse so that she’d freak out. When we got bored with that, we’d place her purse in the center of the table and just stare at it. She told us to watch it, so we would.

Mona brought her parents along and they dined with us on Saturday night. We had a great Italian meal and good wine and we really enjoyed ourselves. Of course, I dropped pasta on my shirt, my left boob to be exact. Everyone would have been disappointed if I hadn’t, since I do that everytime I eat. So, while I was wiping off my shirt, Willard, Mona’s eighty-one-year-old father, said “It always lands on what is sticking out the furthest.” No matter how old, they are still men.

How was the gambling? Well, I am happy to report that I more that broke even. That’s a successful gambling trip for me and I left the casinos feeling very pleased. (And full of cake and also with a bunch of new jokes about how stupid men are.)

So, Auntie, thanks for inviting me to celebrate with you. It was really fun and fattening and sinful and decadent and I can’t wait until next year!!!

Friday, September 23, 2005

I'm Outtta Here

My Auntie Linda’s birthday is this weekend, so a bunch of us old crabby women are going to the casinos in Mississippi for the weekend to celebrate. Of course, I’m hoping for a jacuzzi in my room, since that’s going to be my consolation after I gamble away all my money. We’ve got the VIP room at one of the casinos to birthday party in tomorrow, then we plan to shop and eat and throw away all of our money on gaming. My favorite money holes are the interactive slot machines. I get to participate a little, yet don’t have to try to remember all the cards like I would if I played Blackjack or Poker. If I’m going to go have fun, I refuse to try to use my brain. Gah! That would be more like school or something.

Abby and Roxy are staying home, since the hotels frown upon dogs. I’m leaving them, and the house, with an eighteen-year-old frat boy. Have I lost my mind? Hopefully not, but I’ll know when I return on Sunday. The only reason I’m having him dog/house sit is because I am his boss and I figure he’s afraid of me just enough NOT to wreck my house. We shall see.

Have a good, relaxing weekend!

Love to all,
Vanessa

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

I Heart Kitties, Really

I was just reading Stacey's blog, http://www.krankipantzen.blogspot.com/ and she has posted some pics of her cat, Yoshi, and she attributed the idea to a site called StuffOnMyCat.com. It's hilarious if you like cats. Even more so if you don't.

(I love cats, and this site I mentioned in no way is harmful to cats. It's really just SO funny.)

Mmm Mmm Mmm, Dr. Troy!

First of all, did anyone watch Nip/Tuck last night? Oh...My...Gaaaaa...
That poor woman on her sofa (or IN her sofa I should say) - please tell me what you thought. I know that would never happen to me because if I ever got so freaking fat I couldn't get off my sofa NO ONE would deliver food to me and I'd starve to death. Also, how about Dr. Christian Troy and his girlfriends? OMG again. Is he not THE most beautiful man EVER? Go ahead, try to name one who is more perfect. You will not come up with one. He is perfection. Hang on, I gotta go crank on the air conditioner. It suddenly got very hot in here.

Now, for something informative, from my nurse cousin, Candee:

CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Dost Thou Not Knowest How To Forward E-mails?

Almost every day, I receive a very informative e-mail from RealAge.com about healthy living, and how eating broccoli can add five years to your life, exercising regularly can add another ten, yada, yada, yada. Yesterday’s e-mail said this:

Protein, Not Deprivation

A higher protein diet doesn't have to be carb free to help you lose weight. Severely restricting carbohydrates is not the reason some people experience weight loss with a high-protein diet. It's the protein that sates their appetite and helps them lose weight. In a study, people who ate just a bit more protein each day, while eating less fat and an average amount of carbs, felt sated earlier, ate fewer calories, and still lost weight.



Idiot that I am, I decided to send this e-mail to Auntie Linda with what I thought was a cute little commentary before it:


This is true. When I eat a whole jar of peanut butter, followed by a 16-oz. steak, I'm full for the rest of the night!!!!


Why do I say idiot? Because instead of forwarding it to Auntie, I clicked on reply and it went to the nice folks at RealAge.com. I got this response from them:


Hello,

Thank you for contacting us. In regards to what you are eating, a whole jar of peanut butter, followed by a 16-oz. steak does not sound like a healthy approach.

Regards,

Linda H*****
Member Services Representative
Live Life to the Youngest!



Duh, Linda H*****! I was a bit embarrassed. Not much, but a little. I replied to the woman:


>
I was joking. I hadn't had my coffee yet this morning and it seemed funny at the time. I LOVE your e-mails and have really benefited from them. Sorry about that!
Vanessa



That poor woman is such a nice person. I’m sure she gets these ignorant e-mails from dumbasses like myself all the time, and yet she had the patience and maturity to respond with:


Hello Vanessa,

I am glad to hear that you were joking, I was worried about your heart. You have a great since of humor..LOL

Let me know if you have any further questions.

Regards,
Linda H*****



I’m going to be much more careful when I e-mail from now on.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Last Night's Emmy Awards Were...Bleh

I must have been out of my mind last night to watch the Emmys. Why would ANYone spend three hours watching the cheesiest show ever unless she was extremely bored? I did take some notes, however:

1. Jon Stewart’s show won for writing. Did anyone notice that all his writers were white males? Are white males between the ages of 25 and 40 the only people watching his show?

2. The Best Dressed Award should go to Debra Messing. I loved her dress, hair, everything. And, she looked like she kept some pounds of her pregnancy weight. She looked a lot healthier. Terri Hatcher had the best jewelry, though.

3. Biggest Gag Factor: The Emmy Idol = people singing theme songs. Donald Trump singing the theme from “Green Acres” in Overalls?? What were those idiots thinking?

4. David Letterman’s tribute to Johnny Carson was the best part of the show.

5. Jimmy Smitts = hubba hubba, especially in a tux!

6. When I’m in my sixties, I would give just about anything to be as sexy as Holland Taylor.

7. I loved seeing Alan Alda. He’s such a good everything: actor, man, humanitarian. I’ve been in love with him since M*A*S*H.

8. “Everybody’s Tired Of Raymond” would be a good show.

9. Ellen Degeneres was good, but didn’t get enough time to really amuse us. Oh, and Ellen, dear, would it kill you to dress like a female just once in a while? Actually, I admire her for being herself, but crap, she would really look good if she’s dress up a little. I can’t help it, I’m Southern.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

I Feel Quite Strongly That I'm Right About This

My mom is staying with Emily and Reece this weekend while their parents are out of town. Last night I went over to visit them and took the DVD “Supersize Me” so we could all watch it. I thought Reece might get a little bored with it, but I was hoping my mom and Emily and I would enjoy watching it. We were riveted to our seats the entire two hours. Yes, even my seven-year-old nephew watched most of it. It was an amazing documentary. The film maker, Morgan Spurlock, ate nothing but food from McDonalds for thirty days. What happened to him during that time period was horrifically frightening. I’m not being the least dramatic by saying that. If you’ve not watched this informative, entertaining documentary, please do so. You’ll think differently about fast food afterwards, I promise.

Writing about fast food brings me to the whole weight issue. Please allow me to present my thoughts on something. I’ve expressed this opinion many times, to many people, and I almost always get the same response: “Oh, I’ve never thought about it that way.” Here’s what I think: The overweight person has a much tougher time dealing with losing weight than an alcoholic or drug addict has with overcoming his/her addiction. Why? I’ll tell you. While trying to lose weight, an overweight person STILL HAS TO EAT TO SURVIVE. Get it? An alcoholic or drug addict, who, by the way, can go to rehab (which is covered by insurance and when they get out are applauded as having done something remarkable) and learn to kick their addiction, and abstain from alcohol or drugs and survive. An overweight person cannot do that. She must continue to consume, although in smaller portions, the very thing to which she is addicted! To put it in the most practical terms, what an overweight person must experience to lose weight is like telling an alcoholic, “Okay, you must stop drinking so much or you are going to die. However, you still must consume one vodka martini in the morning, one at noon, one at six p.m., and one before bed. That’s all you are allowed, just four drinks per day, and we expect you to overcome the addiction this way and be normal like we are!!” That, my friends, is what an overweight person experiences as she tries to control her urges. AND, she also must put up with the ridicule and narrow mindedness from people who think she is weak. Sure, there are arguments that could be made about my idea, but you have to admit I’m correct about that fact that we must eat food to live and therefore we overweight people face a very difficult situation every single day of our lives.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

More Reasons I Love Being An Aunt

Today, I was reminded of something funny Emily said to me when she was about five years old. She was spending the night with me and I was in the bathroom preparing her bath. I was testing the water temperature, so of course I was bent over at the waist. Emily walked into the bathroom and said, “Boy, Nessa, your bottom sure is big.” I love her.

Another time, when Reece was about five years old, he was spending the night with me and I was in the shower. When I finished showering, I opened the shower curtain and there was Reece sitting on the toilet. I didn’t want to freak out and start trying to cover myself and make him feel weird, so I just started to dry off casually. He was looking at me and almost fell off the toilet trying to see my, well, my um, you-know-what. I got a little tickled and asked, “What are you looking at, Reece?” His poor little head nearly snapped off due to the speed in which he turned it toward the wall and shouted, “Nothing!” I love him, too.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

The Atmosphere of Higher Learning

The following was e-mailed to everyone on campus today in our daily digest:

The Unitarian Universalist Student Fellowship will meet Thursday Night, September 15th at 7:00 pm, in the Collegiate Park Clubhouse. Activities will include a selection of contemporary music, a discussion on beliefs, a meditation, and a project for International Whirled Peace Day.

I forwarded it to Auntie Linda with this as the subject line:

“See if you can find the mistake.”

Auntie L replied with this:

And now we will hear from Miss Arkansas. "Miss Arkansas, what would your platform be if you were to win Miss America?"

"As the next Miss America, I would use my crown and influence to promote Whirled Peace."
>

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Whatever It Takes

Last week we celebrated my Grandmother Bera’s ninetieth birthday, and I posted an entry with some photos of the family at her party. Since you guys now know that she’s ninety, I think you’ll understand the absurdity of this little entry:

Bera called my mom at work a few days ago and told her that she thought she’d be okay to drive herself to the beauty shop.*** My mom told her that she would leave work and go pick her up and take her to the hairdresser. Bera replied, “No, I’m okay to drive. I took a Xanax so I won’t be nervous.”


***A Southern woman would crawl on bloody, broken knees through a hailstorm to keep her hair appointment. Just so ya know.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Tell 'Em Large Marge Sent You!!!

It took me a while to open up about myself on this blog. Since I’ve confessed about the depression thing, there’s no stopping me now! You poor readers, you’re in for it now. Oh, what am I saying, you can hit that little red “X” in the upper-right corner anytime you want. Unless you’re the type who slows down to see that auto accident. If you’re one of those folks, you’ll just love my new and not improved blogging style.

I’m an emotional eater who has fought her weight for the past twenty years. I have my ups and downs and know the Weight Watchers creed by heart and could lecture you on the dos and don’ts about weight loss in my sleep. Common weightloss sense is virtually nonexistent for me. My Auntie Linda is just like me in this regard. She’s been having a rough couple of weeks, and so when she called me Friday afternoon and said she wanted to go out for dessert that night, I knew it was because she was upset. We went to dinner that night and she ordered appetizers for her meal. I ordered a big fat juicy hamburger with hot spicy cheese on it and a bunch of french fries. It was goooood, yessss. Then, we ordered dessert. Not that I haven’t done it before, but Auntie was the one who ordered the biggest dessert on the menu - the one that would easily serve three or four people. (It’s okay, she knows I’m blogging about this.) Anyway, when she ordered her dessert, the waitress, the skinny, clueless little girl, said, “Are you going to eat that all by yourself??!!” I was a bit disappointed that she didn’t say it loud enough for the people in the parking lot to hear. So, Auntie and I were steamed now. We made her fill our water glasses about seven times. We ate our dessert, then when she brought the ticket and there was an error on it, we didn’t just figure out who owed what, we made her take the ticket and redo it. That caused the little waif some trouble and she had to get help to delete that bill and make another one. Don’t mess with Auntie L and Vanessa. We were desperate, folks! We wanted to be evil! I’m sure she’s out shopping right now with the six-cent tip we left her!

Sunday, September 11, 2005

I'm Still Waiting For Someone To Throw Me A Bone Here

Wanna hear about my SUCKY Saturday?

First, the good: Emily was playing in a softball tournament and her first game was at 9:30 Saturday morning. It was in a nearby town, so I didn’t have to leave town until about 8:45, so I got to relax and have some coffee and get all happy about the weekend and watching Emily play. She and her new team (the best players from several teams, just put together in the last few months) are moving up to “12 and Under” category next spring, so they entered this tournament in that category. Well, they were the only “12 & Under” team, so they had to play in the “14 and Under” category. They WON their first game. They were awesome and won 5 to 4. It was great.

After the game, we had a four-hour break until the next game, so Reece rode with me to Wal-Mart. On the way home I realized that my car was really shaking and when I slowed down it made this God-awful noise. Reece kept telling me it was a flat and I kept saying "No, sweetie, if it were a flat I'd be able to tell." I'm so dumb. When we got to Dave's he came out to check out my car and sure as sh** my tire was about to go. The entire top layer had worn off, and it was flapping around like crazy. I forget that my seven-year-old nephew is an EXPERT on the subject of cars. So, I left their house and drove, slowly, to the nearest Wal-Mart, since I was afraid to drive any further to my regular tire store. I purchased a new tire and the tire dude told me it would be about and hour and a half before my car would be ready. Yeah, it's 12 noon and I'm at Wal-Mart on a Saturday. The last place I want to be at that time of day and on Saturday. I was also hungry. I'd shared a Baby Ruth candy bar with Reece at the game, and that's all I'd eaten all day, so I was getting a headache. I started wandering around Wal-Mart, looking at books, dishes, tried on an ugly pair of jeans, sampled every lipstick in the store and then bought some milk and toilet paper and headed for the tire department. It was now 1:30 and they had my car ready. After paying $65 for a tire, yes I only bought one, I started driving home. Well, the shaking had stopped, but my car was still making a terrible noise when I put on the brakes. Looks like I'm going to have to take it to the mechanic after all. Yippee, another hundred bucks or more, I'm sure.

So, I was then stranded at home and missed the remainder of Emily's tournament and she never called me the rest of the day to let me know how well she and her team did in the tournament. Yes, Emily, I’m disappointed that you didn’t call me. You’d better call me today, dudette.

Now, let’s keep this crappy, sucky, momentum going: I planned to borrow my mom’s car for a couple of days while mine was being repaired, and she was going to drive my grandmother’s car during that time. Bera has a three-year-old car that has about seven miles on it, so it needs to be driven anyway. So, Mom picks me up (in Bera’s car) and she takes me to get her car (are you still following me here?) and HER car will not start. It seems that the interior light was left on and depleted the battery. Yeah, so I am home and have no car today. On the bright side, I have lots to do and now I’m forced to do it. And, Auntie Linda said she’d come take me for coffee later.

Although this is pretty sucky, don’t you think it’s also kinda funny? I do!

The only photo I got to take of Emily yesterday. She's the catcher and she did a great job. Way to go, Emily! You are awsome! Posted by Picasa

Hey Cutest Boy I've Ever Seen! You sure were sweet yesterday and I'm so glad I got to spend a little time with you! Posted by Picasa

Friday, September 09, 2005

Finally, A Diet That Works

The Miracle Toddler Diet

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.

Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Eat a half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

(Courtesy of Arcamax Jokes)