Wednesday, December 28, 2005

A Special Treat For Y'all This Morning

Abby was standing on the floor beside my bed this morning, barking and whining at me, the one who has to work everyday in order to pay for her Kibbles 'n Bits. At 5:30. My alarm doesn't start its intrusive beeping until 6:30. Now, I'm not a mathmatician, but I think that's ONE HOUR of sleep from which I'm being deprived. I had to get up and let her out and was too angry to go back to sleep. Since I was already awake, I thought I'd start cleaning out my old e-mails and I came across my Favorite Joke of All Time. Yeah, you can thank Abby for waking me, otherwise you wouldn't get to read the following and laugh your head off today! Have a good day:

My Favorite Joke

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"May I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

Monday, December 26, 2005

Post Christmas Tidbits

1. Even my warmup pants are tight today.

2. Figure skating is a sport. I’ve been addicted to it, much like my brothers are to football, for several years and I’m having trouble with the new rules and judging system. They’re supposed to be more fair, and some of the new rules do make sense, but I’m not fond of change.

3. I also don’t like surprises. I’d rather know in advance so that I can start my worrying as soon as possible.

4. I fell asleep this afternoon while at the movies watching “Syriana.” I heard someone snoring and woke up and realized the noise was coming from me.

5. Christmas was really fun this year. Last night my family came to my house and we had a great time, especially watching Emily and Reece open their gifts. I never actually saw him do it, but Reece apparently counted the number of gifts he and his sister received. After they’d opened all their gifts, Reece said that Emily received more gifts than he did. He wasn’t being a bratty kid, just a competitive one. Of course, we adults denied it, but after we’d all finished opening gifts, we realized that there was one unopened gift buried under the pile of gift bags and wrapping paper. It was for Reece.

6. Tomorrow it’s back to work, but for the next two weeks I have four-day work weeks, so it won’t be so bad.

7. I hear a cupcake in the kitchen calling my name.

8. My family gave me an iPod Nano for Christmas. I tried to program it today but kept getting an error. Something about my computer not recognizing something, UB port something, blah blah blah. I know if I ever figure out how to program it, I’m going to love it. It’s quite cute. So is my family.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

A Reindeer Walks Into A Bar...

One evening, in a busy lounge in the Deep South, a reindeer walked in, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.

As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."

The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Good Letter

I found this on Library Lady's site and wanted to post it today. Regardless of one's faith, I think we can all find at least a couple of points in the letter that are relevant to our lives.

Letter From Christ

Dear Believers,

It has come to my attention that many of you are upset that folks are taking my name out of the season. Maybe you've forgotten that I wasn't actually born during this time of the year and that it was some of your predecessors who decided to celebrate my birthday on what was actually a time of pagan festival.

How I personally feel about this celebration can probably be most easily understood by those of you who have been blessed with children of your own. I don't care what you call the day. If you want to celebrate my birth just, GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER. Now that I have that off my chest let me go on:

If it bothers you that the town in which you live doesn't allow a scene depicting my birth, then just get rid of a couple of Santas and snowmen and put in a small Nativity on your own front lawn. If all my followers did that there wouldn't be any need for such a scene on the town square because there would be one every few feet all over town.

Stop worrying about the fact that people are calling the tree a "holiday tree" instead of a Christmas tree. That tree never actually symbolized me anyway. The tree was a part of an old pagan ritual people just started calling it by my name, then a few folks added an angel on top and a Nativity at the bottom to remind them of my birth.

If you want to give me a give me a present in remembrance of my birth here is my wish list-- just choose something from it.

1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to the way my birthday is being celebrated, write letters of love and hope to soldiers away from home. They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of year. I know, they tell me all the time.

2. Visit someone in a nursing home. You don't have to know them personally. They just need to know that someone cares about them.

3. Instead of writing George complaining about the wording on the cards his staff sent out this year, why don't you write and tell him that you'll be praying for him and his family this year. Then follow up, it will be nice hearing from you.

4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can't afford and they don't need, spend time with them. Tell them the story of my birth. Hold them in your arms and remind them that I love them.

5. Pick someone that's hurt you in the past and forgive him or her.

6. Did you know that someone in your town will attempt take his or her own life this season because they are feel so alone and hopeless? Since you don't know who that person is, try giving everyone you meet a warm smile. It could make the difference.

7. Instead of nit-picking about what the retailer in your town calls the holiday, be patient with the people who work there. Give them a warm smile and a kind word.

8.If you want to make a statement about your belief in and loyalty to me, then behave like a Christian. Don't do things in secret that you wouldn't do in my presence. Let people know by your actions that you are one of mine.

Finally don't ever forget that I'm God. I can take care of myself. All you need to do is obey my commandments and let me take care of the rest.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and thanks for reading. I have enjoyed this blogging experience so very much this year and I hope to be around to write for a long, long time!


Friday, December 23, 2005

Warning: The Following Is SO NOT PC, Even The Most Callous Will Be Offended

Just in case you were harboring any illusions that my family uses its modicum of intelligence for stimulating conversation, I will now shatter that belief.

I was in the car with my brother, David, and Reece and Emily, last night. David was driving me home after we’d been to dinner and had done a little shopping. Either Reece or Emily called the other one a “retard” and David said, “Oh, no, we no longer make ‘retard’ jokes. There will be no more talk of anyone needing to ride the short bus or having the i.q. of a marshmallow.” I felt a little impressed that my brother was becoming an enlightened individual, and I asked, “Why, Dave?” He responded, “Dawn and I don’t want our grandkids to be retards. Of course, we now have nothing to talk about.” “There’s always that other topic that’s a favorite with our family,” I said. Dave replied, “Toilet humor? Oh, yeah, that’s right. The family conversation has been saved.” We then rode to my house with looks of relief on all of our faces.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Honor Has To Be Earned

Today is the birthday of the most selfish, self-centered man on the planet. When he and my mother divorced, over twenty years ago, he divorced his three children as well. I can count the number of times I’ve seen him in the last twenty years on both hands and still have a few fingers left over.

When I was a youngster, I was involved in everything I was able to do, and was in recitals, twirling at ball games, etc. He came to maybe two of my recitals my entire young life. I do not recall one single night, not one, that he ever engaged me in conversation after dinner. Not one. Several years ago, after I separated from my ex-husband, my brother told him about my situation. Guess what he said? This is a good one. He said, “Well, Vanessa is hard to get along with.” (Of course my brother shouldn’t have told me he said that, but that’s really not the point.)

Oh, it gets even better. That last time I saw him was about three years ago. Up to that time, it had also been about that length of time since I’d seen him, and that was just because I ran into him at the grocery store. Anyway, the last time I saw him was when I approached the bleachers at one of Emily’s softball games and there he was, sitting with my sister-in-law. I walked up and said hi to him and sat down beside him. Just try to guess what he said. You’ll never guess. He asked, “Where did you park?” That’s right. After three years, that’s the best he had for me.

A couple of weeks after that incident, like a dumbass, I called him and asked him if he wanted to go get coffee with me sometime. He asked, “Why?” (I swear it!) I told him I just wanted to visit with him since I hadn’t seen him in a long time. He said he was going to the lake and would be out of town for a few days. I said okay, and asked that when he got back in town, to give me a call. My phone number was listed in the telephone book. I never heard from him again. Did I mention that we live in the same town and have never lived further than a few miles from each other?

I can forgive, I think, but I will never forget.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

This Is What You Get When I Wake Up At 5:30 am and Can't Go Back To Sleep

Like I didn't know this already:

You Belong in London

A little old fashioned, and a little modern.
A little traditional, and a little bit punk rock.
A unique woman like you needs a city that offers everything.
No wonder you and London will get along so well.

Monday, December 19, 2005

The Blogging Slacker (Me) Returns

Whenever I call anyone at my brother's house I usually end up talking to everyone who is home at the time. If my brother, David, answers, we chat about work and softball or volleyball or basketball, depending on the season. Then I talk to my sister-in-law, Dawn, about whatever is on sale at Target or what one of us is buying for whomever for Christmas. That sort of stuff. Then I ask to speak to the nearest child. If it's Emily, then she takes the phone and we talk about movies, or school, or my most recent blog, or her future husband. If she's playing on her computer, then she pretends to talk to me, all the while reading whatever website she's on and responds very little to me. I usually then tell her to give the phone to Reece. Reece always has something to say, for about a minute, then he's ready to give the phone to someone else. He's not a big talker on the phone, yet. He's only seven, so this is not surprising.

Last night I was talking to Emily on the phone, and she told me that Reece wanted to talk to me. I was so excited, since I knew he had something to say. He didn't. He just wanted to say hi. After a minute or so of my trying to extract any sort of information from him, he said, "Hey, Nessa, I need to go now. There's a peanut butter and jelly sandwich calling my name." I just love him to pieces.

Emily's had a rough couple of days. She lost someone dear to her and she's been grieving and trying to comprehend the whole thing. It was a tragic accident and Emily is very sad right now. Emily, hope you're doing better today! I love you to pieces, too, my precious niece!

I need to go now and work on a scrapbook I'm making for my grandmother, Bera. We celebrated her ninetieth birthday in September and I took a lot of pictures, with making a scrapbook the intention. I'm giving it to her for Christmas and I started working on it yesterday. Nothing like waiting until the last possible moment.

If you haven't read Momcat's post about bad Christmas gifts, go read it. I'm sure you'll be able to relate to it!

One more thing, YES, I'm putting off the scrapbooking as long as I have to look at this site when you have time. It's so cool. And addictive.

Now leave me alone, already! I've got work to do!!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Watch Out, Santa!

Cranky's still camping out here, but I'm trying to rid him with drugs. In the meantime, check out Christmas In Arkansas.

Love to all,

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Guest Blogger Today

Hi. My name is Cranky McSnot, and I’m taking over Vanessa’s head for a few days. I started seeping into her sinus cavities a couple of days ago, and yesterday I decided it was a pretty nice place, so I unpacked my bags and decided to stay for a while! She’s making futile attempts to try to get me to leave, however, but I’m not going anywhere for a while. She keeps taking AllegraD, and this morning she took a Benadryl and slept all morning. I got kind of bored, so I started blowing up balloons in her nostrils. She had to breathe through her mouth. Boy, did that make her irritable! She’s not even eating, so I know I’m really getting under her skin. I guess I should go now and practice my boxing. She’s got this swollen uvula in the back of her throat that makes a terrific boxing bag!

Snots and kisses,
C. McS.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Burn, Baby, Burn

As long as I have this family I don’t even have to TRY to come up with something to post on my blog.

Remember Cousin Candee and Penis Boy? The one who likes to stack DVDs on his teeny weeny? Well, Candee has two other children in addition to that one. Her daughter, Halen, pulled a good one last night. Halen was in her room and for some reason her bedside lamp didn’t have the shade on it. She thought that was too bright, so she threw a t-shirt onto the bulb. Of course, it caught her t-shirt on fire! She’s nine, or ten?, can’t keep up with the ages, so she didn’t know what was going to happen. When she realized her shirt was on fire she was too stunned to scream, so she grabbed the burning t-shirt and took it into the living room and threw it at her mama, Candee. It landed on Candee’s foot and caught her sock on fire! Candee then jerked her foot up and the t-shirt, still on fire, went flying across the room and landed on a chair and caught it on fire. Are you believing this?? Halen is Auntie Linda’s granddaughter, and Auntie’s store burned last week. Is this branch of the family a little fire jinxed right now? I’d say yes.

Friday, December 09, 2005

And Yet Another Perspective

Of course, we could all use a laugh right now, right? Well, just because I'm a Southern gal doesn't mean I don't see the humor in making fun of my family!

"Look what Vanessa done went 'n did, Granny!" hollers Uncle Jed.

Granny hollers back, "why, Lord have mercy, reckon when she had time to film us? Were it last year?"

"I ain't got no idee, Granny," says Uncle Jed, "but she shore does catch all the glory of the season, don't she?"

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

A Different Perspective Than Yesterday's

If all I have to complain about is not being able to find a particular gift at Wal-Mart, then I should just shut up. What an ingrate I am. Every day I see people who are waiting for a kidney transplant so that they can live another year. I also see people who have recently had a transplant and are grateful for every single day they are alive. Others I see are ninety years old and have no family. They rely on government agencies to bring them to the doctor. They have no place to go for Christmas.

Today my Aunt Linda’s store burned. It’s a retail sporting goods-type store and it was packed to the brim for the Christmas season. Christmas sales are vital to her business and now her store is probably a total loss. Linda’s fine; the fire occurred early this morning, while she was at home, so no one was injured.

When tragedy strikes, it’s always bad, but for some reason it seems even worse when it happens in December. We are under the impression that we are supposed to be shielded from the bad during the Christmas season, so when something happens to us during this time we seem surprised and more deeply affected. Maybe we should all wake up. After all, the homeless and the hungry are not magically housed and fed in December just because we think everything is supposed to be perfect this time of year.

I love giving Christmas gifts to my loved ones. I enjoy wrapping them and anticipating how surprised they are going to be when they open their gifts. These are what make Christmas a happy time for me. The fact that I have to go shopping for these gifts is what I don’t enjoy, however, it’s all worth it when my dear family and friends are happy with their gifts. Just thought I’d clear up any misconceptions that I’m a Scrooge. I’m NOT!

So, how am I feeling right now? Hopeful for the patients I see every day at work. Very sad for my Auntie Linda. Grateful that she’s okay, though. Disappointed in myself for not doing more for the less fortunate. I think that’s something I’m going to have to work on.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Things That Are Pissing Me Off As I Try To Get In The Happy Christmas Mood

Last Thursday night was the night our department decided to host its Christmas party. It’s called a Work Party, which I think is an oxymoron. Since I don’t like morons, I chose to skip the party and have one of my own at Target. I just don’t understand the whole concept of the Work Party. It’s a bunch of people who are not friends, nor are they related. They are forced together for eight hours each day to do something they don’t particularly like, simply for a paycheck, and yet, in December they all decide that they are FRIENDS!! and need to buy a gift and have a party. Hey, bosses, why don’t you just give us the money you spend on these parties and we can buy gifts for people we actually care about, not some person about whom we know nothing other than what she eats for lunch.

Saturday morning I woke up early, with the aid of my alarm clock, and grabbed my shopping list and took off for Wal-Mart. I hate that place. Sadly, we have few choices in this town when it comes to shopping for everything you need in one place. I wanted to get to the store early to beat the crazy Christmas shoppers and buy a few gifts and some things for some baking I’m planning to do this month. I went to the electronics department in search of a particular gift that I knew Wal-Mart would have. I could not find the gift anywhere. I asked for help. I got these blank looks from the two pimples behind the counter. One of them slurred something about not knowing where they had moved the display and the other one concentrated on the boogers in his nose. Okay, I thought, I’ll just drive across town to Target where I know this gift is and I’ll never come back to Wal-Mart again as long as I live. (I say this to myself almost every time I go to Wal-Mart, not just at Christmastime, but come on! This is a very popular item. Wal-Mart-Ass should have it in December.) After I’d loaded my cart with everything else on my list, I went to the Customer Service department and asked them if they would locate this item for me. Twenty minutes later, and forty dollars of extra shopping later, I had said item in my angry little hand! From now on, because of COURSE I’m going back to Wal-Mart, I’m steering my shopping cart with the bum wheel straight to Customer Service and they are going to do my hunting for me. Until they catch on and ban me from the store.

Sunday afternoon I decorated my Christmas tree. It’s a new tree with the lights already strung on the tree, so I was really looking forward to NOT stringing lights this year. I got the tree put together and plugged in the lights and they were beautiful. The bottom third, anyway. The ones that WORK. The top third of the tree has no working lights. I decorated it anyway and it looks great in the daytime when it’s not plugged in. Screw it. I’m tired.

Friday, December 02, 2005

A Word From The Funny One In My Family

My Brother, David (Emily and Reece's Dad is what I call him) wrote a little ditty about last night's Christmas Parade. He made the mistake of sending it to me, Sister Who Deems Nothing Sacred Anymore, so I am posting it on this here blog! David, I love you and hope you continue to forget that I will tell anything you do that is funny.

Review of the Jonesboro Christmas Parade

The annual Christmas parade held in downtown Jonesboro was chocked full of floats and civic groups. But enough about that.

The highlight of the parade, at least for Reece and me, was waiting for someone to step in the pile of dog doo a Humane Society canine left behind on the street in front of us. We were enjoying the drama and anticipation as several members of the Sons of the American Revolution came tantalizingly close to the large steaming mound but somehow escaped danger by a fraction of an inch.

Next, the Jonesboro High School Marching Band was a sure bet to make everyone involved in the Poop Shoe Game a winner. Scores of people, young and old alike, knew that the odds were in our favor to have a freshly-shined black marching boot plunge into the unsightly pile sitting near the yellow stripe on Main Street. We might even be so fortunate as to witness the true "coupe de gras" of dookie incidents. I'm talking about the slip and fall of course. Well, the gods of the brass and wind sections were looking out for the pimply-faced teenagers this cold December night, as not a single member of this award winning marching band hit pay dirt. The crowd groaned with frustration as the sounds of Jingle Bells coming from the instruments faded north down the street. Clean boots were in abundance at the 57th annual Jaycees' Christmas Parade.

Our hopes and dreams were terminally squashed, literally, as the Mix 106 radio van made a right turn onto Main Street to join in this festive celebration of the most wonderful time of the year and converted the center of this night's attention into nothing more than a brown pancake. One could hear the sighs of disappointment from the bundled up gathering. Thanks a lot Trey S--- (owner of said radio station.)

All hope was now lost and I began to notice the numbness in my toes and face again. Reece immediately began to ask for cotton candy every 45 seconds. I realized at that moment that a single, disgusting, yet natural function from a mixed breed dog living in a shelter on the outskirts of town made me forget about my problems, if only for a little while. It even diverted a 7-year-old boy's attention away from a glorious mound of sticky, spun sugar for a few minutes. As we made our way to the car under a canopy of stars on this frigid evening, my son and I had a little extra spring in our step, knowing we are now officially in the Christmas spirit.

This was the best parade ever!