Truly Tasteless, I Know

I went to dinner with Auntie Linda on Tuesday night and then I accompanied her on some errands. I have been avoiding staying home the past week. Usually I’m perfectly content to stay home and be a hermit for days on end. Occasionally, however, I don’t want to be alone and am willing to do anything to keep my mind preoccupied so that I don’t feel lonely. I’m not writing this in order to gain sympathy, it’s just a fact that when one lives alone one tends to get lonely once in a while. I am, however, much more independent that most people, I think, and enjoy my solitude much of the time.

Boy, did I stray from the intended topic just now. While Linda and I were running errands we talked about the recent incident that happened at one of our Wal-Mart stores. It seems that when a woman approached her car with her groceries, she found a note on the windshield. It stated something like, “I am watching you read this and I plan to rape you.” The woman went back into the store and called the police and when they viewed the security video they saw that the video had captured a man with a white truck attaching the note to the woman’s car. Of course, being our brilliant police department, they couldn’t read the license plate and told the woman that there was nothing they could do! Guess they’ve never watched CSI and don’t know about blowing up the image. Anyway, it seems that this is the second incident of this type to occur at our wonderful Wal-Mart. If word-of-mouth had not spread this story, no one in this town would have EVER known about it. When I worked for the prosecuting attorney, several years ago, I found out all sorts of crap that goes on that made me never, ever want to go out alone at night. Of course, none of the stories was ever reported to the public.

There I go again. It was my intension to make this a humorous essay of self-deprecation. So, on with it now! Linda and I were agreeing that this loser of a male person who put these notes on these women’s cars is nothing but a chickenshit terrorist. If he had really wanted to attack either woman, he would have never warned them. So, Auntie and I started cracking jokes about the whole thing. Linda said that if he approached her, she would tell him to go ahead and TRY to lift her up into the bed of his truck. I, of course, said I dared him to even try with me. I’d turn the rooster into a hen in about twenty seconds. Then, with every sighting of a white truck, we’d analyze it and decide if it belonged to a pervert or just a redneck. As we were leaving our last stop on the errand tour, we noticed a white eighteen-wheeler truck parked in a parking lot. “There you go,” Linda said, "at least if I’m going to be kidnapped I want something that has a kitchen in it."