I'm a complete wuss. I'd been letting my hair grow out for six months, but today I COULD NOT TAKE IT ANY LONGER. It's hot outside! I was about to die with that hair on the back of my neck. Plus, I was really starting to look like a Hag With a Shag, so off it went. I really am pleased with it, thanks to my fabulous hair stylist. 

This is how you pose to hide the double chin.  

Took me about ten attempts to get this one. My dogs were looking at me like I was a nut. 

Here's my buddy and hair stylist, Marka, the miracle worker who keeps me from looking like a total dog. She's such a smart-mouth goddess. I love her to pieces. 

If You Are Bored, Read On

A friend sent this to me. Try it; it's fun!

Who, But Your Aunt, Would Cut The Crust Off Your PB & J?

Aunt V: Did you enjoy the motorcycle exhibit?
Reece: No, I loved it!

Reece: Hey, Nessa, when you see the letters “HD” on the side of a truck it means Heavy Duty.
Aunt V: Oh, wow! I’ve always wondered what those letters meant.

Reece: I’m starving, Nessa.
Aunt V: Okay, Reece, what do you want to eat?
Reece: Peanut butter and jelly. Make it two, please.

Aunt V: Reece, you’re a pistol!
Reece: No, my dad’s a pistol. I’m a son of a gun!


(In case this isn't enough of Reece, look over there -->
at my Flickr account for photos of the little darlin' from last weekend!)

Love,
Vanessa

I'm Stepping On A Soapbox

Today, as I was leaving work, I noticed a bumper sticker on one of those gas-guzzling SUVs that proudly stated: “Baylor Dad.” I immediately thought, “Who cares?” It’s not like the “Baylor Son” gives a hoot that his dad has that sticker on his vehicle. It was purely a boastful expression of the dad that prompted him to display such a sign on his vehicle. I’ve seen several similar bumper stickers, such as “My child is on the honor roll at fill in the blank school” and those really make me want to gag.

As one who writes daily on a personal blog, it would seem that I’m being hypocritical to say “Who cares?” but that’s not it at all. My blog is for my friends and family to be entertained and for me to keep in touch with them. Fortunately, I’ve made some wonderful friends through my blog, too, and I’m happy when I learn that anyone is actually reading “Aunt Vanessa,” but that’s another story. My observation is that I am disgusted with the fact that bragging and revealing one’s financial status has become the norm in this society. Whatever happened to being humble and valuing one’s privacy? Just last night I was talking to a much-younger friend who mentioned that her age group has no problem telling anyone what their salaries are and how much money they owe! My contemporaries have never discussed those issues, nor have my family. I don’t know how much money my brothers make, nor do I care. Some things are simply no one’s business.

It is not my intention to appear as if I have a chip on my shoulder. I don’t. If you are filthy rich, then good for you. I hope you’re happy. If, however, you drive a fifty-thousand-dollar car and have a huge mortgage that keeps you from buying milk, then shame on you.

As I get older, I realize that material things are not as important. Nor is impressing anyone with my acquisitions, which I don’t have anyway! When I exit this world, I will leave a lot of books and scrapbooks of my travels, and probably a couple of dogs and cats. I will also leave my love for my family and the hope that they are not caught up in the rat race I see every single day.

Reece's Choice

1. Stay home this weekend with Aunt Vanessa and:

Eat all the candy you want and watch Harry Potter Part III on Friday night.

Saturday go to Memphis to see the Wonders Exhibit, “The Art of the Motorcycle” [www.wonders.org] and then go to Jillian’s, Memphis’s coolest arcade that also has a good restaurant (white pizza).

Eat more candy and play with Dooley, Abby, and Roxy.

Sleep in Mom and Dad’s bed with ALL THREE DOGS!

Sunday let Aunt Vanessa teach you how to play tennis.

Play your Playstation 2 as much as you want, until your eyes pop out if that makes you happy!

OR

2. Go to Little Rock and suffer in the heat all weekend while Emily’s softball team plays in the state tournament, for the possibility, and only a slim possibility, that you will get to go to a water park for a couple of hours, either Saturday or Sunday.

I think it’s pretty obvious what choice he should make, huh?

Best Line I Heard At The Ballpark On Saturday

"These here seats ain't near as comfortable as them was last night!"

Second best line, which I heard at least five hundred times over the weekend: "Bust 'em into the fence, y'all!!!"

...sigh...

Congratulations to Emily and her teammates for winning second place in the regional softball tournament! This is their first year together as a team, so that's quite an accomplishment. I took this at 1:00am this morning at the end of the tournament. They were some tired girls, and there was a tired Aunt watching. It was fun seeing the team pull together and win so many games! These girls are the most sportswomanlike girls I've ever seen. I hope their parents are proud of them. Emily, I'm so happy for you, Sweetie! 

Pitcher, Third Base Woman, and Emily the Catcher. You girls are the best of the best. 

FURY team spirit at its best! 

"Enough with the camera, Ness. It's 1:00am and I'm too tired to flash my gorgeous smile at you." 

Because I Don't Have Time To Blog Tonight

I'm going to watch Emily play softball for the third night this week. The season's almost over and I'm going to miss it! It's the only sport I love. I do enjoy baseball and basketball, but not as much as softball. Of course, Reece begins his baseball season next month, and I'll love that because he's playing.

Anyway, here are some funnies Candee sent me:

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES. 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES. Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD. 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK. $300. Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES. California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY. Must sell washer and dryer: $300.

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married
last month. Wife knows everything.

(And the best one...)

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie

Bereavement

My sister-in-law's grandfather passed away yesterday afternoon. Robert had been in the hospital and was in critical condition. While the family was not expecting him to live much longer, it's still sad when a loved one dies. Robert was also Emily and Reece's great-grandfather and they loved him very much. Reece is doing fine, and so is Emily, however, they were very upset upon learning of his death. Both my niece and nephew had the priviledge of spending time with him throughout their lives, and my sister-in-law, Dawn, had been taking care of him in many ways for the past several years. My sympathy goes to Dawn and her family for their loss. I love you all.

Vanessa

What's Next?

I am at my wit’s end. With the witch next door. Sunday, at 1:00 the dogs needed to go out. I wasn’t dressed, so I put them out one at a time on the lease that is attached to my back porch. Abby did her business and I brought her in and then I let Roxy out. A few minutes later, when I went to bring her in, the tobacco-chewing, food-frying, chain-smoking scuz of a woman-thing was waiting for me on her back porch, which is three feet away from mine. As I’m calling for Roxy to come in, the literary-challenged, halitosis queen starting yelling at me. Something like, “I thought you were supposed to keep your dogs out of my yard! I’m...” that’s when I slammed my door on her. She was still screaming for a good minute or two after I locked my back door and walked away. I didn’t say one word to her, nor did I even glance in her direction while unleashing Roxy, but honestly, I don’t know how many times I can take this. I KNOW this is my fault for calling her on throwing food in the backyard. If I’d anticipated the stress I would encounter because of that action, I would never have said anything to her. I’m not going to call the landlady, however. Will just wait and see what happens, I guess, but I am not saying another word to the dye-job-gone-wrong, rode-hard-and-put-up-wet, pitiful-excuse-for-a-human-being trouble maker.

This is my friend Beth, and her daughter, Abbie. That is Michael, a designer from the TV show "Extreme Makeover" standing behind them. Beth and her family went to watch a taping of the show in Alma, Arkansas yesterday. They managed to catch a couple of glimpses of the hunk, Ty Penington, too! The show airs on July 10, so be sure to watch and hopefully we can see Beth and Abbie and Joe on camera. 

I saw this on the window ledge at Emily's one day. Apparently, someone had been sneaking in and FEEDING and PETTING her Sea Monkeys when she was not home! Well, I think this note took care of that, because I didn't see anyone come NEAR the critters while I was there. And just in case her mom, dad, or brother didn't know whose they were, she signed the note. My niece is nothing if not thorough. 

What are Sea Monkeys, anyway? 

For My Friend

My friend, Angela, was backing out of her driveway, in her car, one morning this week and this young girl ran a stop sign and plowed into the back of Angela's car. When the cop came to the site, he gave Angela a ticket for hazardous driving. Does anyone get that one? So, here's a little joke for you, Ange, to make you feel better. Sorry your car is wrecked, but I'm glad you're okay.

Speeding Ticket

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

Some Folks Just Need To Move On

When I was in junior high school, about a hundred years ago, I had a really good friend, CK. Along with AH, the three of us were together constantly. We were the tallest three girls in our class, so we were always noticed. We also were a LOT of fun. CK’s parents were quite old and thus she had more freedom than most of us. Needless to say, we spent the night at her house more than at mine or AH’s, since we were able to come and go as we pleased, because her parents usually went to bed around 8:00 every night.

AH’s family moved to Atlanta when we were fourteen, and CK and I drifted apart when we began high school. I rarely saw her in high school, since our interests were different. When we were nineteen, she got married and moved to Memphis. I helped host a stupid wedding shower for her, even though I felt she was too young to get married, and visited her in Memphis once. She then moved to Ohio, when we were in our twenties, with her husband and two kids.

She’s been a stay-at-home mom for twenty-three years. We have absolutely nothing in common, and haven’t since we were fourteen years old. YET, she still calls whenever she comes here to visit her family, which is usually once a year. Over the years, I’ve often ignored her phone calls and been able to escape the visits sometimes. Oh, and she never calls until she arrives in town. Never gives me any type of forewarning. She just expects me to be free to see her when she has the time.

The last time I saw her was two years ago. I never call her; I don’t send her a stupid Family Newsletter Christmas Card (I’m about to gag just writing that) and I have nothing to say to her when I actually do get “caught” and am forced to have dinner with her. When last we were together, after ninety minutes of listening to how perfect her two boys were at everything they did, she finally asked me how I was doing. I told her I was seeing someone and I was having a good time with said man. She asked me about him, and since it was early in our relationship, I had only good things to say. She then said, “Well, if he’s so wonderful, why isn’t he married?” I nearly dropped my fork. I was so shocked at her ignorant insensitivity that I had no reply. That was the last straw for me. Since then, I’ve sworn to myself that I will have nothing to do with my former friend.

Why, then, am I writing about this today? You guessed it: she called me two nights ago from her poor old mother’s house. (That woman is eighty-two now.) Thanks to answering machines, I didn’t have to talk to her. I never will talk to her again. I’m just going to ignore her until I move away next year and she’ll never know what happened to me. I HOPE.

Small Tribute To "The Other Brother"

Tuesday was my brother David's birthday. He's five years younger than I am and I simply cannot express what a good person this guy is. There is no more devoted father or husband anywhere. There really should be a contest for such men, complete with some really awesome gifts, because Dave would win! Our brother, Don, is great, too, but this post is about Dave. (Don never reads my blog anyway.)

We had a good time getting together for David's birthday Tuesday night. Reece was in rare form, and Emily was as sweet as ever. We enjoyed a relaxing dinner, then went back to David and Dawn's for cake, ice cream, and gifts. Nothing out of the ordinary happened that night; it was just a great evening with my brothers, sister-in-law, niece, nephew, Dooley the Dachshund, and Cutie the Cat.

"If I pretend to like your singing, may I have cake and ice cream? Okay, I'll smile and fake it for that!" 

Emily and Dave are checking out his birthday gifts. For some reason, Reece decided he needed to count the money in his Spiderman wallet at that moment. 

Oh, boy!! CAKE!!! 

My brother, Don, and our nephew, Reece.  

Uncle Don, Reece, and Dave admiring Don's new motorcycle. I think I actually saw Reece drool a little. 

This is Cutie's debut on "Aunt Vanessa" - she's Emily's kitty and she has the best personality.  

Reece on Uncle Don's new ride. Just a few more years, little buddy. 

I took this last night on Dave's birthday and will post more about it tomorrow. In the meantime, today is Dooley's birthday (the precious little one Reece is holding) so happy first birthday, Dooley. We love you! Well, Abby and Roxy don't, but the rest of us do. You are a sweet doggie! 

Oh, YEAH!!!

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway,
runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs,
"John, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack,
beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out."


Thanks, Candee!

I couldn't find any incriminating photos of you on my computer at work, Dave. This is good of your daughter, at least. AH! I love you, Bro, and think you are the best father, brother, and friend a girl could ever want! Thanks for always being there for me! Oh, and thanks for fathering my niece and nephew. If you hadn't done that, I'd really have no use for you. Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! 

What Can Brown Do For You?

The plumber is at my house right now. I’ve been having trouble with my toilet for a couple of weeks. It hasn’t been flushing very well. Saturday it died on me. Of course, the only way to know for certain if a toilet can handle flushing a, um, big load***, is to try it! However, if it doesn’t flush, then you are stuck with a bowl full of, well, you know. So, being absolutely horrified to face anyone in my bathroom who is trying to repair the toilet, what with everything still there from two days ago, I left a key hidden on my front porch. When the plumber called me to meet him at my house, I told him where the key was and told him not to let my dogs escape. If he’s still there at 5:00, when I get off work, I’m going to keep driving.


***Practically every blog I read discusses Poop at one time or another. I’d vowed never to write about it on mine. I never have been good at keeping vows.

If It Has Wheels, He Loves It

My nephew, Reece, is obsessed with cars. Cars, trucks, SUVs, motorcycles, essentially anything with wheels. His range of knowledge about vehicles is staggering, too, considering he is only SEVEN YEARS OLD. He owns about, oh, 500 play cars and trucks and he plays with them all the time. If he sees one at the toy store that he doesn’t have, and is unable to buy it at that moment, he will store it away in his mind and think about it (and talk about it) until someone takes him to buy it! For Christmas he received a little motorcycle and he loves to ride it. It’s a battery-powered, or electric, or whatever, and it doesn’t make any noise and he can really zip around on it. Both of my brothers and I always had three-wheelers and motorcycles when we were kids and so it’s only natural that my brother’s son would have one, too. My other brother, Don, owns a motorcycle now and loves it. Whenever Reece sees him with the motorcycle he is in awe. Don won’t take him for a ride on it, because of the risk involved, and I am very relieved. I am now terrified of motorcycles and think they are entirely too dangerous, so it’s difficult to see my brothers and nephew so enamored with them.

I strayed from the subject. I took Reece to lunch and to do a little shopping Friday after I returned from Tunica. While I was driving us to lunch, he began talking about cars. I asked him what his favorite car was, and he said, “Hmmm...I’m going to have to think about that for a while, Nessa!” Then he told me all about his favorite type of truck and when I asked him what type of SUV he favored, he said, “I like the 2000 Yukon. It has a better body style than the newer ones.” He is SEVEN I repeat! I see a future in cars for the boy. I just hope it’s not as a Used Car Salesman!

Things Said In The Heat Of The Moment At The Casino

Come on, Mama needs a new bra!

Come on, Mama needs a new cell phone!

Come on, Sister needs to go pee!

Come on, Baby needs an inheritance!

Come on, Mama just likes saying “Come on!”

Come on, Girlfriend needs a new outfit!

Come on, puppies need some kibbles!

Come on, Mama needs a pair of hot pink sandals!

And, finally:

Come on, Girlfriend needs ***Censored*** (Almost forgot - Emily reads this)

Down By The River

Yes! I won a little money playing slots in Tunica at the Sheraton and then I went shopping and spent it all. That’s what illicitly-acquired money is for! Auntie Linda and I had a blast. I ate everything I could put on my plate at the Super Buffet For Anxious Gamblers and there wasn’t a chocolate truffle left in sight! I also drank a lot of “free” booze. I prefer beer at the casinos, because they can’t water those down to nothing, but I did splurge on a strawberry daquiri, complete with whipped cream on top. I think I tasted a little rum in it. I was slurping the bottom of the glass, too, but no one heard it over the sounds of the slot machines and craps tables.

While Auntie and I were playing, we visited with all the other gamblin’ gals sitting nearby and at one point Auntie asked me if I had a twenty dollar bill. She’d cashed out her machine and didn’t have any small bills, so I handed her a twenty. The woman sitting next to me said, “You two must be sisters or best friends.” Auntie replied, “Actually, she’s my daughter, but my sister gave birth to her when I was eleven and raised her for me and gave her back when we were both grown up. Now I get to enjoy her!” That’s exactly right. Now we’re best friends and sisters and aunt and niece all rolled into one. I’m so lucky to have her!

Ahhh...yes, I indulged in a whirlpool after a long night of pushing buttons on the slot machines. I really, really want one of these. 

I'm Off To The Casinos!

So, wish me luck. When I run out of money I'm going to drown my sorrows in the jacuzzi with a big bottle o'bubbly!

Be back Friday!

Love,
Vanessa

Wonder Why People Send Me Jokes Of This Particular Theme??

A Woman's Prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for
Wisdom to understand a man,
Love to forgive him, and
Patience for his moods,
Because, Lord, if I pray for strength
I'll just beat him to death.

This Is WAY Funnier Than Anything I Have To Say!

FUNERAL PROCESSION

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

“My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"May I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."


Thanks, Candee!

Two Old Guys

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's Okay! What a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."