How To Get Out Of Town Without Losing One's Mind

Auntie Linda and I are leaving tomorrow morning for a trip to Columbia, MO. I’m going to find an apartment and look at the school and leave a few resumes there, which will hopefully lead to a job on campus. I’m so excited! Except for the drive. It’s about a six-hour drive, according to Mapquest, which means a seven-hour drive for us, since we drink a lot and therefore have to stop frequently. Yes, we drink and drive. First, it’s coffee, then a bottle of water, then a diet coke, then we start the process all over again. I have to have some form of liquid within reach at all times. I'm also bringing a bag of Tootsie Pops. These are the best when taking a car trip. If you look in the back seat of my car, you’ll find at least three or four wrappers.

Taking a three-day trip is a hassle. Auntie and I were planning to take Abby and Roxy with us, then Linda decided she didn’t want to take Roxy, but I was still planning to take Abby, then Linda reminded me that if, while on the road, we see an antique store and wish to stop (do I hear a nine-hour-drive, now?) what will we do with Abby? It’s too hot to leave her in the car. I heard this revelation from Linda (who was on the phone with me) while I was at my grandmother’s yesterday, so I asked my mom (who is living with Grandmother Bera right now) if she would keep Abby for me. She said she would, but Bera would have to let Abby out during the day on Monday and Tuesday, since she (Mom) would be at work. Bera said, “I don’t want to.” Hell, she’s almost ninety-one, so the woman doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to do, right? You should have heard the conversations going on, simultaneously, then. Linda was on the phone with me, telling me what to tell Bera: “tell her Abby isn’t a pain-in-the-ass-dog like Roxy.” And my mom was saying, “all you have to do is open the back door and let her out a couple of times.” And Bera was saying, “I know what I have to do, but I don’t want to!” I was cracking up and thinking how lucky some unborn girl is NOT to have me for a mother and these women as her family! In the end, however, Bera confessed that she would “probably” let Abby out during the day, and we decided that since Abby sleeps all day anyway, my mom could leave the dog in her bedroom, with the door closed, and let her out when she gets home everyday at 4:30 and now I can leave town and not worry, much, about my poor little nine-year-old dog.

Have I mentioned that I’m writing a play about Southern women? (“Loosely” based on my family.) Bera told me she wanted to read it and I said, “Well, it’s been nice knowing you.”

Now, where was I? Oh, yes, my trip to Columbia. I have five pages of apartment listings and a map and an atlas and some letters of reference from my landlady (my mother, but no one has to know that) and tons of liquids, so I’m just about ready to go. All I have to do now is polish my resume, a.k.a. creative writing, and give Abby a bath and pack. Wish me luck with the apartment hunt.

Speaking of luck, good luck to Emily and her softball team this weekend. They are playing in the state tournament and they have a good chance to place. Go Rage!!!