How about a little humpday humor?

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES
(LOVERS OF WORDS):


Police were called to a day care, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder, and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. (MY FAVORITE!)

A thief who stole a calendar...got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine'.

And, finally, I dedicate this one to EMILY:

I wondered why the softball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Busy Week Ahead

Thanks for your concern for Abby. She's still not quite up to par, but I'm going to watch her for a few more days before I take action. I think maybe she's just showing some signs of aging. That makes me very, very sad. Irene wrote about this recently and said that it had just occured to her that she was going to outlive her beloved dog, Finn. That post made me think, of course, about Abby and how much she has meant to me these past nine years. I don't know what I would have done without her. She's always here and loves me no matter how bad my breath smells and how hairy my legs are. I can be in a deep depression and she can curl up in my lap and I feel comforted. She's snoring now, right up against my leg. I hope she knows how much I love her.

Speaking of love, guess who is coming to see me on Friday? Just my precious, darling, smart, gorgeous niece, Emily! Dave is driving her and we're meeting somewhere in southern Missouri, between their home and mine, Friday afternoon and she's staying with me until Monday. This will be her first time up here to visit. I am just ever so slightly excited about it.

In addition to my full-time job and two graduate classes, I've accepted an invitiation to join a writing workshop. I was flattered to be asked and really want to make time for it. We're having our first meeting tomorrow night and I'm looking forward to it with much eager anticipation. I definitely need help with my writing, huh? The workshop is going to use Francine Prose's book as a template or study guide. I've only read a few chapters, but it emphasizes close reading and it gives lots of examples of literary passages. I think it would be a useful tool for anyone who wants to get more out of their reading.

As an Anglophile who loves anything pertaining to royalty, I've been in heaven this week in regards to Diana. There have been no less than seventy specials on every news channel over the last few days, and many of them have been quite far from the truth. I don' t have the energy to write about everything I've seen and read lately, but I will state that Fox News did the best job at creating absolute lies about Princess Diana's last days and the circumstances that surrounded or precipitated her death. On a lighter note, I found this and thought it was quite funny:

http://conchapman.wordpress.com/2007/08/22/tv-bio-says-lady-di-loved-dodi-for-harrods-return-policy/


Read it and enjoy! I'll be back later in the week.

I'm Feeling Much Better

Thank you for your concern this week. I don't know what was up with me, but I certainly wasn't feeling like my sweet, old self. I couldn't eat and the only thing I wanted to do was sleep. I didn't even enjoy playing with Mom. She took me to see a very nice woman who was gentle with me, except for the thermometer incident...ahem!...and she gave Mom some really good food and some pills. Mom tried sneaking them into the food, but I saw what she was doing. I didn't mind, though, and I ate them and please don't tell her I'm on to her. Mom told me she received some e-mails sending us good wishes, and I think that's so sweet of you! I'm going to give the blog back to my mom and she'll post an update sometime this weekend.

Love you all,

Abby

First Day of School

That really cute boy, there, is in the fourth grade now. Seems like last week I was feeding him a bottle. And two weeks ago I should have been watching that darling girl play her first T-ball game, not telling everyone that she's now in the eighth grade. I talked to them both briefly last night and Reece says everything went well. He's in the magnet school, International Studies, and has an adjustment to make to a new school this year, but he will be fine. Emily said school was okay, but she couldn't tell me anything else because she had to go to the mall. Typical teenager. I miss them so much!

On a sadder, more worrisome note, I had to take Abby to the vet today. She hasn't been acting like herself for a few days and this morning I noticed she hadn't eaten and hadn't pooped in two days. The doctor thinks she has a little intestinal infection, but no parasites, so she gave me some meds for Abby and some soft food and I fed her a bit of it and she actually ate it, so I think she's going to be fine. Bless her heart, she's never sick and doesn't like that rectal thermometer in the least. Send your good thoughts our way for the next couple of days, please.

Girls' Weekend

This is such a good photo of the girls! Auntie Linda brought her granddaughter, Halen, to visit over the weekend. Halen is eleven years old, and like her cousin, Emily, she loves to shop 'til she makes me drop. We had a great time and did all those fun girlie things such as manicures, pedicures, spending four hours looking for the perfect handbag, going to the movie and eating chocolate. Couldn't have been a more perfect weekend, and I think I even recruited Halen to become a Mizzou Tiger.

Now I have a complaint. I eat lunch at work every day. Usually it's a Lean Cuisine or a Weight Watchers frozen dinner. I have my favorites, but I do like variety, so I try different ones frequently. I was at the grocery store Friday, and it was quite crowded in the frozen section and I couldn't get to the Lean Cuisines or the WWs, so I grabbed a couple Boston Market dinners. I ate one of the lasagna dinners today and thought it was good, but no better than a Lean Cuisine or WW. Then, only after I'd eaten the entire thing, did I check the calories. Five hundred. That's 5-0-0 calories for a lousy frozen lasagna. It sort of made me ill. If I'm going to have a 500-calorie meal, I expect something to be battered and fried!

Thirty Years Ago Today

Wow, I remember when it happened. My mom and grandmother Bera and I were planning a trip to Memphis to do some back-to-school shopping and we decided to drive by Graceland. The number of people there was unbelievable. It took thirty minutes to drive past Graceland and there were police directing traffic and people crying all over the place. It was amazing.

Graceland
Originally uploaded by Aunt Vanessa

Another Year Older

July 28, 2007
Originally uploaded by Aunt Vanessa

I forgot to write about my birthday! I'm so damned old, now, I forget my birthday. Geez. Mom and Auntie Linda came up for the weekend, the b'day was on 7/28. We had a really good time, except for the unsuccessful car hunt. Apparently, a decent car at a reasonable price is about as scarce as a good man. However, we had fun anyway and went to the casino and won tons of money (not really) and simply enjoyed being together. Here's to getting old!

It's TOO HOT to Blog

I sweat just thinking about going outside. I was talking to my brother, Dave, a few minutes ago, while I was walking Abby, and he said it was all Al Gore's fault. What started as a pleasant exchange of greetings and adoration quickly developed into me telling him he was wrong and him telling me to get off my liberal highhorse for two seconds. Gosh, I miss him so much! He's got all this crap information he wants me to read that proves the issue of global warning is false, so I made a deal with him: I'd read it if he'd agree to watch An Inconvenient Truth. I'll let you know if he holds up his end of the deal. (I love you, Dave!)

Emily is doing well. She's had a couple of bad headaches, but her brain is still working and she doesn't have any swelling, so I think she's going to be alright. Her softball team placed fifth at the Fastpitch World Series. That means she plays on a team that is 5th in the world, or at least in the U.S. Amazing. Good job, Emily.

That's it for now. My laptop is producing so much heat my legs are sweating and Abby's burning up my right thigh, so I'm going to go have a nice cold beer now. I'll be back this coming weekend. I want to tell you about some good books and movies!

Emily and Chloe

Emily and Chloe
Originally uploaded by Aunt Vanessa

I wasn't sure if I wanted to post this, but in the end I decided it was all I could do to show my support. Emily's good friend, Chloe, lost her brother, Chris, to Leukemia today. He was seventeen and had spent the better part of his teenage years in St. Jude's Hospital. Chris and Chloe's uncle and I were friends in high school. If any of the family sees this post, know that my prayers are with you and that I'm deeply sorry for your loss. To my niece, Emily, I want to say I love you and I know you are going to be a huge support to Chloe. You have the gift of a loving, kind soul and I know you will be there for your friend.

Love,
Vanessa

She's Fine

Emily's sports injury 7-27-07
Originally uploaded by Aunt Vanessa

Emily's first ER trip due to a sports injury was Friday, in Orlando, right before a game in the Fastpitch World Series. Did I mention that Emily's softball team is in the TOP 10 in the nation? Yeah, they didn't need their catcher missing a game during the tournament, but she had to make a detour to the emergency room for a CT scan! It seems that she got hit in the head, right on her pretty forehead, by a not-so-soft softball and it immediately swelled to the size of an orange, so Dawn and Dave rushed her to the ER to have it checked it. She is okay now, just swollen and has a persistent headache, but was able to return and play a game later that day. Right now her team has won all but one game, and we're hoping they get to play in the finals later today. SO GLAD YOU'RE ALRIGHT, EMILY!!

Softball and Harry Potter

So, I talked to Emily last night, she's still in Florida, and her softball team has won two games (out of two) and I was able to watch one of the games online. That was really cool - technology at its best. For my family members who are interested, you can find info on this tournament, the Fastpitch World Series, HERE. Click on the softball link and you can see the results. Emily's team is "Mr. Trophy Rage" and their next game is tomorrow.

Mom and Auntie Linda are coming up for the weekend to help me celebrate my birthday. Not sure what we're going to do, but I'm sure cake will be involved. Maybe some gambling. Definitely some shopping. Might even buy a car.

Started reading the final Harry Potter last night and read about 150 pages. The dern thing is over 750 pages, and I'm going to be busy the rest of the week, so I won't finish it until next week sometime. Emily made me promise her I'd call her the minute I have read the last word so that we can talk about it. She finished it already.

That's it for now. Stay in touch and I'll keep you posted on Emily's softball tournament. Might even have a b'day pic or two after the weekend.

What's not to love about these two?

Two gorgeous kids 7-2007
Originally uploaded by Aunt Vanessa

In case you've been needing to see an updated photo of two kids who are growing up way, way, WAY to quickly, here it is. The boy is nine and the girl is thirteen. Going on eighteen. More pics to the right in my Flickr>>>>>>>>>

They're flying to Florida today. Emily's softball team is playing in a tournament in Orlando. How fun is that? Reece is looking forward to lots of skateboarding and swimming.

Back to my housecleaning. I'll check in with you in a couple of days.

Kicking Back and Enjoying Myself

Ohmigosh, THIS BOOK is wonderful. I just finished it and immediately looked up the writer, so that I could read everything she's ever written. The book is the chosen one for the "One Read" program in Columbia and surrounding central Missouri towns, and I've been seeing it promoted at the library, and my friend, Sandy, said it was a great read, so I finally got it a few days ago and haven't been able to put it down. Add it to your must-read list.

I watched "A Room With a View" last night. I haven't seen it in several years and had forgotten how much I loved Edwardian stifled passion. I also have "Gosford Park" and "Venus" at home now and will try to watch them this week. I watched "Gosford" several years ago and loved it and can't wait to see it again. Not sure how I'll react to the other one, but I've always liked Peter O'Toole.

I'm baking cookies and they are a pain, but they look really good. They're sugar cookies with chocolate sprinkles on top and I hope they taste good, since they're for a party at work tomorrow. Actually "work party" is an oxymoron, I know, but we're having a going-away-dessert-bar-drop-in-function-thing for someone tomorrow and I thought if I wrote party it would be enough but then I felt compelled to explain. Enough about that already.

I really need to do some housework before I begin this book, because I know I'll just ignore the house once I begin the book. All my summer projects have gone ignored because I've been reading up a storm, making up for lost time over the last two semesters when I was agonizing over Library Management and Cataloging. Doubt I'll get to even one of my intended projects now, and you know what? I don't really care.

A Tribute

Today is Larry Brown's birthday. Click here for a tribute from Garrison Keillor:

http://writersalmanac.publicradio.org/

(It's the second piece on the page.)

Stop! In the Name of Good Writing

Have you ever had a week in which absolutely nothing blog-worthy happened? That's why I haven't posted an entry this week.

Still reading the Al Gore book. I only read a chapter a day and that's slow reading, but this isn't fiction that one can zoom through with entertainment being the only purpose. I can't stress strongly enough how important this book is. Of course, Gore's message right now is crucial to the survival of our planet, I know. Did anyone watch any of the Live Earth concerts yesterday? It was on the Bravo Channel all day and I watched it off and on throughout the day. I question the sincerity of many of the performers and I cannot tolerate Hip Hop, nor Madonna, so much of the time I didn't watch it. The PSAs were informative and very positive, however, so overall I think it was a positive event.

THIS was my latest Netflix choice. It was a cute, happy film that made me laugh and I recommend it. It's not a chick flick in spite of its title.

There is a huge, black cat who has taken part-time residence outside my front door. S/he is twice Abby's size and has a pair of glorious green eyes and Abby can't stand it when we go out and s/he's lounging by my door. Abby barks and the cat hisses and they have this standoff every single time we go for a walk. It really stresses my old dog and I'm going to have to run off the cat somehow.

I owe you guys about a thousand apologies for this boring post. And the cheesy attempt to make it look more appealing by changing fonts. Did I fool anyone with that useless ploy? I think not.

"Shelby's right, my hair does look like a helmet."

If I can get off the sofa today, I'm going to the gym. It opens at 11:00. I reeeeeeally overdid it yesterday. I had all the time in the world and so I stayed on the treadmill a long time, listening to THIS CD that I downloaded to my iPod. Such good music. Then, I tried all the upper-body weights and machines that exist in the entire world and now I can hardly pick up the spoon with which to stir my coffee. Today, it's lower body and abs I'm targeting and tomorrow I'll be so sore I won't be able to walk and I'm going to get up and go anyway and I swear this is the last time I'm going to mention the gym because it really bores me to read about anyone else's workouts, so I'm sure you're bored by this.

I ordered the upcoming Harry Potter and can't wait to read it. There is a good article about it on msn.com today: here ya go. I started THIS ONE yesterday. (I'll never finish the Faulkner, Mary, even though you say it's one you loved in high school. When I was in high school I loved this one to pieces and still do and actually read it about every year and love it even more each time. I've read plenty of Faulkner and loved many of them, particularly As I Lay Dying, but The Sound and the Fury will have to wait until I have more patience. I'm not a huge fan of Modernism, but more on that another time.) Anyway, back to the Gore book - I've only gotten through about 30 pages and I'm as angry as a hornet already. I'll rant more when I finish the book. Oh, and then I'll go see "SICKO" and get steamed about that issue. Perhaps after all that I'll read some Jane Austin just to take the edge off my rage and fury.

On a lighter note, I'm going to bake some chocolate chip cookies today. I bought a new Pampered Chef baking stone (I lost my stones when I moved) and I can't wait to do some baking. The chocolate is semi-sweet, which brings me to my chocolate survey. I heard from several coworkers who read my blog and they all said they preferred dark chocolate. I think I prefer dark when I'm really craving chocolate, but milk chocolate if it's just sweets in general that I want.

I watched this movie last night. {sigh} I'm surprised I didn't like it. I always like the Coen Brothers' stuff, but not this one. It was supposed to be smart, funny, intriguing. It wasn't. In order to be a good satire, it should be more subtle than this movie was. Not that some of the acting wasn't very good (John Goodman) but some good acting doesn't make it worth one's time. Don't waste your Netflix choice on it.

Independence Day is funky this year, since it's on a Wednesday and I don't have any days off other than that day. I have no plans for that day, other than maybe sleeping in. I've seen fireworks a hundred times and until they come up with something new in the category, I have no desire to sit outside in the heat and watch any more of them. I am truly sounding like an old person.

Honey Nut Cheerios

Not all that much to tell, but hey - I'm making an effort. Most important things first: Emily is away at camp this week. Hope she's having a good time. Reece is enjoying being an only child for a week. I talked to him Sunday night and he said he was eating a bowl of cereal and I asked him if he wanted to call me back when he was finished eating and he said, "No, that's okay, this is my third bowl." He's a growing boy and I am quite happy that I do not have to pay his grocery bill. I remember when my two brothers and I were youngsters. It took at least one herd of cattle to keep us in milk for a week. All my mother ever did was haul groceries in from the store, fill the pantry, start another list and go back to the store. Bless her heart.

I went to the gym last night and rode the bicycle and lifted a couple of weights, but the place was so crowded I didn't get to use some of the machines I wanted. I'm going to a strength training class tomorrow night, then I'm going to start going to work out in the mornings at 5:30. YIKES, did I just write "5:30?" What the hell am I thinking? I'm thinking I will just train myself to get out of bed at 5 instead of 6 and get the workout over. We will see how it goes, but wish me luck, okay?

My Bosnian friend did actually buy my car. It's such a relief t0 have the car sold. Now I have to start seriously car shopping and I'm getting sick just thinking about it. I'm not particularly crazy about cars and don't much give a shit what I drive, but I'm going to buy a new car so I don't have to worry about any maintenance for a while. I'm thinking a Toyota right now. Bleh. It's such an ordeal and I dread having to talk to a car salesman.

warning: cheap ploy to encourage comments is next

Question: do you prefer dark chocolate or milk chocolate? I just cannot decide. Had a piece of dark today and it was delicious. But milk is good too. What's your preference?

I'm Huge In Bosnia

Okay, so my stint at regular updating didn't last long, but I have a good excuse. I have been reading! I'd decided to give THIS bugger another try and was making some progress, when THIS OTHER ONE I'd ordered arrived and I had to start reading it because it might contain a paragraph I haven't already read a thousand times. I'm not finished with it; I want to savor it because I believe it's the last and most accurate Di Bio there is or will ever be. Steph, you'll want to read it as soon as you finish A Thousand Splendid Suns, which I know you're trying to get around to reading and will be so glad you did when you do. So, Faulkner is going to have to wait until I finish more important literature. I am so glad my former lit. professors do not read my blog.

I joined a gym yesterday. I begin tomorrow getting fit as a fiddle. Actually feel better having taken the first step. I loved the place and it has an impressive state-of-the-art weight room and cardio room and an indoor pool to die for, plus it's five minutes from my apartment. I then rewarded my good deed by purchasing several workout pants and t-shirts and now I'm ready to go. Come back in a few days and read how bloody sore I am.

While I was wandering around Target last night, I got a call and it was a fellow inquiring about my old car that I have for sale. (Remember my car saga back around Thanksgiving last year?) The guy had a really heavy accent of some kind and told me he worked at my apartment complex and wanted to look at my car. I told him I'd meet him in the parking in twenty minutes and rushed home to meet him. When I arrived, he and a friend, their wives, and about four children were milling around and I realized they were Bosnians. We have several Bosnian families in our complex. I introduced myself to my caller, Muhammed, and he said, "Ah, Vanessa is same in my country!" Then he told his wife, "something, something, something...Vanessa," and she smiled and said, "Ah, Vanessa!!" I got a kick out of that. I think I sold my car, but I'm not sure, and I couldn't understand exactly everything that went down in the business transaction, and it's too long to bore you with, but I do hope it works out because he needs a car and I need to get it sold, so keep your fingers crossed.

My Colors are Blush and Bashful

I had the best time over the weekend getting to see the family. Except Reece. No, it wasn't that I didn't enjoy him. He wasn't there. That baby went to camp for an entire week. I was worried he was going to get homesick, but I just spoke with him and he said he had an "awesome" time. I was also worried he wouldn't get enough to eat and he did say that they only ate three meals a day, no snacks. My brother says that Reece usually has his third meal of the day by 1:00 in the afternoon. When I spoke with Reece a minute ago he was in the car with his mom, dad, and Emily. Guess where they were going? IHOP. Guess he's got to make up for lost eating.

Emily played in a softball tournament over the weekend and I got to see her play, but mostly I sweated. Even my eyelashes were hot. Arkansas is hot as hell in June. I do not miss it, no I do not. However, it was worth it to see Emily play (her team placed second) and we were able to spend almost all of Friday together and go shopping and eat Mexican food and watch "Steel Magnolias." It was Emily's first time to watch it and my seven-hundredth, at least, and the very second Shelby bounced down those stairs complaining about her nail polish being too pink for her wedding dress, I started bawling and didn't stop until 30 minutes after the movie was over. That's what I call a Superb Chick Flick. Emily loved it too, what she saw between text messages. That teenager. I have a good photo of her I'll post on Flickr tomorrow.

Also got to do some shopping with Mom and we enjoyed having our morning coffee chats. That's my favorite part of seeing my mom - the morning visits. Abby misses her, too. Also got to have breakfast with Grandmother Bera on Sunday. She's 91 and still reads a couple of novels every week and absolutely never ever misses "Wheel of Fortune." (or "Wheel" as she calls it) She was in a good mood and it was a good visit. I rarely get to see Auntie Linda when I'm home, but she was here last weekend so I'm good with her.

I've got to go now and read my book that came in the mail today. I'll tell you about it tomorrow. So, come back then!

Sherry, Baby

Have you noticed? I've been updating more frequently! Yes!

Just two more days and I get to see my Emily. When she was a little girl, she referred to me as "My Vanessa." I melted every time she said that. Now look at her:

Auntie Linda came for a visit over the weekend and we had a great time. We toured some wineries, a.k.a. sampled a lot of wine and ate some good food, and went to the casino and did some shopping and talked and talked and talked. I think that was the best part of the visit: the talking. That and how she completely showed her ass in the restaurant at the winery and I got to bring that up all weekend and tease her unceasingly about it.

I bought a bottle of sherry after sampling it. I had no idea how much I liked it. Then I had to go buy some sherry glasses, since I got rid of the ones I had because I never drank sherry.

I took some photos of the weekend and I'd love to post them here, but Blogger won't let me. I'm too lazy to try very hard, though, so come back and look later, maybe I'll have them posted. Must go now. Gotta pour a glass of sherry.

xoxo,

V