How about a little humpday humor?

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES
(LOVERS OF WORDS):


Police were called to a day care, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder, and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. (MY FAVORITE!)

A thief who stole a calendar...got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine'.

And, finally, I dedicate this one to EMILY:

I wondered why the softball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Busy Week Ahead

Thanks for your concern for Abby. She's still not quite up to par, but I'm going to watch her for a few more days before I take action. I think maybe she's just showing some signs of aging. That makes me very, very sad. Irene wrote about this recently and said that it had just occured to her that she was going to outlive her beloved dog, Finn. That post made me think, of course, about Abby and how much she has meant to me these past nine years. I don't know what I would have done without her. She's always here and loves me no matter how bad my breath smells and how hairy my legs are. I can be in a deep depression and she can curl up in my lap and I feel comforted. She's snoring now, right up against my leg. I hope she knows how much I love her.

Speaking of love, guess who is coming to see me on Friday? Just my precious, darling, smart, gorgeous niece, Emily! Dave is driving her and we're meeting somewhere in southern Missouri, between their home and mine, Friday afternoon and she's staying with me until Monday. This will be her first time up here to visit. I am just ever so slightly excited about it.

In addition to my full-time job and two graduate classes, I've accepted an invitiation to join a writing workshop. I was flattered to be asked and really want to make time for it. We're having our first meeting tomorrow night and I'm looking forward to it with much eager anticipation. I definitely need help with my writing, huh? The workshop is going to use Francine Prose's book as a template or study guide. I've only read a few chapters, but it emphasizes close reading and it gives lots of examples of literary passages. I think it would be a useful tool for anyone who wants to get more out of their reading.

As an Anglophile who loves anything pertaining to royalty, I've been in heaven this week in regards to Diana. There have been no less than seventy specials on every news channel over the last few days, and many of them have been quite far from the truth. I don' t have the energy to write about everything I've seen and read lately, but I will state that Fox News did the best job at creating absolute lies about Princess Diana's last days and the circumstances that surrounded or precipitated her death. On a lighter note, I found this and thought it was quite funny:

http://conchapman.wordpress.com/2007/08/22/tv-bio-says-lady-di-loved-dodi-for-harrods-return-policy/


Read it and enjoy! I'll be back later in the week.

I'm Feeling Much Better

Thank you for your concern this week. I don't know what was up with me, but I certainly wasn't feeling like my sweet, old self. I couldn't eat and the only thing I wanted to do was sleep. I didn't even enjoy playing with Mom. She took me to see a very nice woman who was gentle with me, except for the thermometer incident...ahem!...and she gave Mom some really good food and some pills. Mom tried sneaking them into the food, but I saw what she was doing. I didn't mind, though, and I ate them and please don't tell her I'm on to her. Mom told me she received some e-mails sending us good wishes, and I think that's so sweet of you! I'm going to give the blog back to my mom and she'll post an update sometime this weekend.

Love you all,

Abby

First Day of School

That really cute boy, there, is in the fourth grade now. Seems like last week I was feeding him a bottle. And two weeks ago I should have been watching that darling girl play her first T-ball game, not telling everyone that she's now in the eighth grade. I talked to them both briefly last night and Reece says everything went well. He's in the magnet school, International Studies, and has an adjustment to make to a new school this year, but he will be fine. Emily said school was okay, but she couldn't tell me anything else because she had to go to the mall. Typical teenager. I miss them so much!

On a sadder, more worrisome note, I had to take Abby to the vet today. She hasn't been acting like herself for a few days and this morning I noticed she hadn't eaten and hadn't pooped in two days. The doctor thinks she has a little intestinal infection, but no parasites, so she gave me some meds for Abby and some soft food and I fed her a bit of it and she actually ate it, so I think she's going to be fine. Bless her heart, she's never sick and doesn't like that rectal thermometer in the least. Send your good thoughts our way for the next couple of days, please.

Girls' Weekend

This is such a good photo of the girls! Auntie Linda brought her granddaughter, Halen, to visit over the weekend. Halen is eleven years old, and like her cousin, Emily, she loves to shop 'til she makes me drop. We had a great time and did all those fun girlie things such as manicures, pedicures, spending four hours looking for the perfect handbag, going to the movie and eating chocolate. Couldn't have been a more perfect weekend, and I think I even recruited Halen to become a Mizzou Tiger.

Now I have a complaint. I eat lunch at work every day. Usually it's a Lean Cuisine or a Weight Watchers frozen dinner. I have my favorites, but I do like variety, so I try different ones frequently. I was at the grocery store Friday, and it was quite crowded in the frozen section and I couldn't get to the Lean Cuisines or the WWs, so I grabbed a couple Boston Market dinners. I ate one of the lasagna dinners today and thought it was good, but no better than a Lean Cuisine or WW. Then, only after I'd eaten the entire thing, did I check the calories. Five hundred. That's 5-0-0 calories for a lousy frozen lasagna. It sort of made me ill. If I'm going to have a 500-calorie meal, I expect something to be battered and fried!

Thirty Years Ago Today

Wow, I remember when it happened. My mom and grandmother Bera and I were planning a trip to Memphis to do some back-to-school shopping and we decided to drive by Graceland. The number of people there was unbelievable. It took thirty minutes to drive past Graceland and there were police directing traffic and people crying all over the place. It was amazing.

Graceland
Originally uploaded by Aunt Vanessa

Another Year Older

July 28, 2007
Originally uploaded by Aunt Vanessa

I forgot to write about my birthday! I'm so damned old, now, I forget my birthday. Geez. Mom and Auntie Linda came up for the weekend, the b'day was on 7/28. We had a really good time, except for the unsuccessful car hunt. Apparently, a decent car at a reasonable price is about as scarce as a good man. However, we had fun anyway and went to the casino and won tons of money (not really) and simply enjoyed being together. Here's to getting old!

It's TOO HOT to Blog

I sweat just thinking about going outside. I was talking to my brother, Dave, a few minutes ago, while I was walking Abby, and he said it was all Al Gore's fault. What started as a pleasant exchange of greetings and adoration quickly developed into me telling him he was wrong and him telling me to get off my liberal highhorse for two seconds. Gosh, I miss him so much! He's got all this crap information he wants me to read that proves the issue of global warning is false, so I made a deal with him: I'd read it if he'd agree to watch An Inconvenient Truth. I'll let you know if he holds up his end of the deal. (I love you, Dave!)

Emily is doing well. She's had a couple of bad headaches, but her brain is still working and she doesn't have any swelling, so I think she's going to be alright. Her softball team placed fifth at the Fastpitch World Series. That means she plays on a team that is 5th in the world, or at least in the U.S. Amazing. Good job, Emily.

That's it for now. My laptop is producing so much heat my legs are sweating and Abby's burning up my right thigh, so I'm going to go have a nice cold beer now. I'll be back this coming weekend. I want to tell you about some good books and movies!

Emily and Chloe

Emily and Chloe
Originally uploaded by Aunt Vanessa

I wasn't sure if I wanted to post this, but in the end I decided it was all I could do to show my support. Emily's good friend, Chloe, lost her brother, Chris, to Leukemia today. He was seventeen and had spent the better part of his teenage years in St. Jude's Hospital. Chris and Chloe's uncle and I were friends in high school. If any of the family sees this post, know that my prayers are with you and that I'm deeply sorry for your loss. To my niece, Emily, I want to say I love you and I know you are going to be a huge support to Chloe. You have the gift of a loving, kind soul and I know you will be there for your friend.

Love,
Vanessa