And Yet Another Use For It

Oh, boy, this is a good one.

This morning my cousin, Candee, called me to tell me something her three-year-old, Rike, did last night. She was sitting on the floor in her family room, folding laundry and watching TV. Rike walked in and said, “Mommy, I hold the movies.” Without looking at him she said, “That’s good, Sweetie.” Rike then said, much louder, “Mommy! I hold the movies!” Again, Candee said without looking at him, “Okay, Sweetheart, that’s great!” A third time, Rike says, only this time he screams, “Mooooomeeeeee!!!! I HOLD THE MOVIES!!!!!!!”

Candee finally looked at him, and he was holding four DVDs. What’s so great about this? Guess what part of his anatomy was holding them? Yup, he’d strung four DVDs onto his little weenie.

Boys.

A Joke Is The Only Way I Know To Make Monday Better!

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again."

"Well," the doctor replies, "go home tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

The husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables, and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

I Wish I Could Freeze Time

Hope you all had a happy, healthy Thanksgiving. Mine was wonderful. I hosted the family, and we had lots of good food and lots of hugs and kisses. We are a mushy bunch. Even Reece, who’s not extremely affectionate, allows the aunts, grandmothers, great-grandmothers to hug and kiss him as much as they (we) want. He seems to know that it’s important to us. Don’t misunderstand, however. Reece always hugs and kisses me when I first see him, but then that’s enough. No more. Leave him alone to do his thing. However, when we’re gathered as a family he’s a little more tolerant with the smooching and that makes me love him even more. Emily, on the other hand, is the most affectionate child I’ve ever seen. She is almost twelve and still holds my hand in public. I’ve told her that whenever she feels she’s too old for the hand-holding we can stop, but so far she’s still allowing it.

I AM going somewhere with this topic:

I took Emily and Reece to see the new Harry Potter film on Friday. We are all Potter fans and I’ve recently started reading the series and just love it. Before the thirty-minute preview time, which was very frustrating for everyone in the theater, I looked at Reece and said, “hey, if you get scared during the movie, it’s okay if you want to hold my hand.” He cut his gorgeous brown eyes at me with this look that said, “Oh, please! You’re crazy if you think I’m going to do that!” I got a little tickled and chalked it up to Reece not being a little boy anymore. After the previews ended (did I mention how annoyingly long they were?) and the movie began, Reece got close to my ear and asked, “is it still alright if I hold your hand during the scary parts?” Aunt Vanessa melted a little and yes, he did hold my hand a couple times during the movie.

Emily, please stop. Growing up, that it.
Reece, you too. Stay seven forever, okay?

This is Auntie Linda's baby boy, Will, and his wife, Jamie. Auntie L just returned from visiting them at their home in Savannah, GA. We all miss them so much. Aren't they the cutest couple?? 

Cousin Will and his Mama 

Auntie Linda and Jamie 

Happy Thanksgiving! 

So, What's For Dinner?

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! I hope you enjoy yourselves with family and friends and get to eat a lot of wonderful food. I’m having the family here tomorrow night and here’s our menu (we potluck, so no one has to do it all!):

Mushroom bread appetizers
Turkey
Dressing
Something green, not sure what
Sweet potato casserole
Delicious Rolls, can’t remember the name
Pumpkin pie (baked by Reece!!)
Lucinda’s Hummingbird Cake
Chocolate chip dessert pizza

MMM MMM MMM!

I Miss This Guy

"I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work very well. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I went back to pondering my mortality." -Mitch Hedberg

Emily, Shopping, and Chocolate

Emily and I had a great time over the weekend. She spent the night with me Friday night and we watched two episodes of "What Not To Wear" which we both LOVE. We then attempted to watch the third "Harry Potter," but turned it off at 10:30 so that we could get some sleep, but ended up talking until after midnight. Emily loves to snuggle and talk late into the night and this is the ultimate bonding time for us. Ater very little sleep, we dragged ourselves out of bed at 6:30 Saturday morning to go garage sale shopping. This is a once- or twice-a-year event for us and we usually score pretty big in the book department. Emily is the best shopper I've ever seen. So, after the junking, and the pancake breakfast, and the mall, I was absolutely worn out and took my darling niece home around 3:30. Later that night I was talking to my brother, Emily's dad, and he jokingly asked me if I was tired. I told him, oh yeah, I was worn out. He laughed and said, "We do this everyday, Ness." Dave and Dawn, and all parents: my hat's off to you. I don't know how you do it everyday.

Speaking of food, well, I was thinking of it anyway, I am reprinting something I received from Arcamax today on chocolate. I was so relieved to read this:


Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

Not The Mama

I feel the need to confess that I’m a terrible mother. Earlier this year, I acquired a second dog, a darling little Maltese named Roxy. Roxy looks like she could be Finn’s twin. I fell in love with her the moment I saw her. I’d been wanting a second dog for quite a few years, mostly as company for Abby, but also for me. Although I loved Roxy to pieces, Abby couldn’t stand her. I thought that Abby would eventually get used to her and start to think of her as a sister, but from the minute Roxy came home with me, she and Abby were adversaries. Their struggle for my undivided attention caused them both to poop and pee on the carpet daily. I simply could NOT take it any longer, so I decided to give Roxy to my Aunt Linda about a month ago. I’ve felt guilty about this and didn’t want to blog about it until now. Abby, however, has been the happiest eight-year-old puppy in the world! Roxy, too, is happy with Linda, and Linda is thrilled to be Roxy’s new mama. Roxy is spending the weekend with Abby and me and I am so glad to have her here. (Emily spent the night with all of us last night, which made it easier, since each dog had a "mama" of her own for the night.) Of course, Abby is about as thrilled as I am when I have to go to the dentist, but she tolerates her the best she can. What amazes me is how differently Abby behaves when there is another dog around. When it’s just Abby and me, she is a bouncy, playful puppy. As soon as another dog comes into the picture, however, she sulks and hangs her head and eats like she’s never going to get another morsel of Kibbles ‘n Chunks for the rest of her life. Oh, and just forget it if Roxy gets in my lap. Abby acts as if her life is over. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more jealous creature. So, that’s my confession. I’m not cut out to have two children. I mean dogs, yeah, that’s it, dogs.

You Never Know When You're Going To Learn Something

Friday, Nov. 4, I went to see Elton John in concert. Yeah, I’ve mentioned that I was going but I haven’t reported on the concert until now. Elton John was amazing! He played for two and a half hours, nonstop, with two encores and even signed autographs for those lucky fans who were one the front row at the concert. He was dressed in the type of coat/jacket that only Elton could pull off successfully, and he looked adorable. I was amazed at his piano playing and how his band could play so cleanly for that long. You name it, they played it. Except for “Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road,” which is one of my favorites, but Elton can no longer hit the high notes, which is my guess as to why he didn’t play that song. The fact that his voice is a bit lower than when he was younger is the only thing I noticed that was different from the Elton John I’ve seen on TV for the last thirty years. He was still energetic and gracious and seemed to love every minute on stage. It was a great concert and a great night altogether.

Before the concert, Auntie Linda and I did a little Christmas shopping in Memphis and then met Marka and her new boyfriend at the Hard Rock Café on Beale Street, which is directly behind the concert hall. We met at five o’clock, which gave us three hours to eat and drink margaritas before the concert. Marka, as I have mentioned in a previous post, is my (and Auntie Linda’s) wonderful, smart-mouth-goddess hairdresser and friend. I’ve known her for ten years, and for the previous nine and a half, she’s said, “I am not the least bit interested in having a boyfriend. I don’t feel the need whatsoever to have to put up with a man and all of his crap.” (Roughly translated.) Oh, how things changed when she met Joe. She’s in love now and Auntie L and I got to meet him, the man who caused her to go back on her mantra and allow herself to be teased unmercifully by everyone she knows. Not only is he a kind, intelligent fellow, but he is absolutely nuts about her as well!

Joe is originally from Iowa, and now lives in Arkansas, but he brought his Midwestern good sense with him and I learned something observing his behavior Friday night. While we were at Hard Rock, we had the most obnoxious waiter I’ve ever encountered. He stood at our table and talked to us most of the night and whenever he would actually leave to get us (ME) another drink, one of us would comment on how he really needed more tables to wait, or anything to get out of our hair! After he served us our food, Joe was absolutely fed up with this, so he simply said to the waiter, “Man, I appreciate the fact that you are taking such good care of us, but we’d really like to eat and just visit with each other, if you don’t mind.” (Roughly translated, again.) The waiter said something about really liking his job, and Joe said something polite about how he was a very good waiter, but we’d like a little time alone, and the waiter got the message, and for the remainder of the night only appeared when we needed something. He was still very polite and we were able to enjoy our time together. What did I learn? That you can be direct, if pleasant, and get what you want and still be treated respectfully by a waiter! This type of direct approach is not the norm in the South. No, we tend to be two-faced and sweet to someone such as this waiter and then talk about him behind his back. OR, we are passive-aggressive, and ignore him and leave him a very small tip. These Southern approaches do not help anyone. It’s the Midwestern approach that was direct, yet polite, that taught the waiter something, hopefully, and me as well! Thank you Joe for teaching me a much appreciated lesson. Marka, you have a great boyfriend, you bitch.

What I've Been Doing

Last weekend was THE perfect weekend. I completely took a break from all news. No TV, except for rented movies, no newspaper, and no internet. Friday night I watched a DVD, “Warm Springs,” which is the story of FDR’s struggle with polio and his decision to run for president. It’s a good movie, so try to see it. Saturday morning I had a 10:00 appointment to get my hair cut. I then stopped by the used bookstore that’s close to my house, and lucked out on four books, three of them hardbacks, all for twenty bucks! Afterwards, I went home, did some laundry while I cleaned house and listened to Elton John, singing at the top of my lungs, and finished that around 2:00. The weather was nice, so I sat outside and watched the squirrels run around my back yard for a while. I then read until about 7:00 and watched a movie I’d rented, “Hotel Rwanda,” which I highly recommend. Sunday I finished reading Susan Sontag’s In America. I talked to Emily on the phone, then prepared my ESL lessons for classes late in the afternoon. After my teaching, I cooked some stir-fry, ate, then wrapped Christmas gifts and read a couple of short stories and went to bed. I was the happiest hermit on the planet.

This Is Fun!!

Miss me? I have missed you, too! I'll post something this weekend. Until then, do this little quiz. It's fun and you'll be surprised at your score, probably. I was happy to get 17!


The average person only gets 7 correct.
This is based on U.S. info, so use all lobes of your brain. This can be
more difficult than it looks - it just shows how little most of us really
see!

There are 25 questions about things we see every day or have known about all our lives. How many can you get right? These little simple questions are harder than you think-- it just shows you how little we pay attention to the commonplace things of life.

Put your thinking caps on. No cheating! No looking around! No getting out of your chair! No using anything on or in your desk or computer!


Can you beat 20?? (The average is 7) Write down your answers as you go.

Check answers (on the bottom), AFTER completing all the questions.


REMEMBER - NO CHEATING!!! BE HONEST!!! That means no looking at your phone or anything on your desk...



LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU REALLY ARE.

1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?


2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't know)


3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?


4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?


5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?


6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?
(Don't you dare get up to see!)


7. How many matches are in a standard pack?


8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?


9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?


10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?


11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?


12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?


13 On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?


14. Which way do fans rotate?


15 How many sides does a stop sign have?


16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?


17 How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?


18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?


19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?


20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?


21 On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?


22 On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?


23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 sy mbols bear no digits?


24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?


25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?














ANSWERS
1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom? BOTTOM

2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't know) 50

3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch? RIGHT

4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label? BLUE, RED, WHITE, YELLOW, BLACK & GOLD

5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them? 1, 0

6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?
RIGHT

7. How many matches are in a standard pack? 20

8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white? RED

9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial? 88

10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
CLOCKWISE (NORTH OF THE EQUATOR)

11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
TOWARDS BOTTOM RIGHT

12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial? 12 (no #1)

13 On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons? LEFT

14. Which way do fans rotate? CLOCKWISE AS YOU LOOK AT IT

15 How many sides does a stop sign have? 8

16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side? LEFT

17 How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel? 5

18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil? 6

19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing? BASHFUL

20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package? 8

21 On which playing card is the card maker's trademark? ACE OF SPADES

22 On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats? LEFT

23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits? *, #

24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip? 3

25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise? COUNTER

Taking An Unexpected Break

Hey, buddies. My internet is down at home and I haven't had time to even call the cable company, so I'm taking a break from posting, I guess until next week.

However, I'm so excited!! I'm attending the Elton John concert tomorrow night. I'm planning to sneak in my camera and not get caught.

So, have a good week, weekend, etc., and I'll be back next week!

Love,
Vanessa